Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?

The rest were not E

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veknilero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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There is only one you in the whole world...

Unless it is a w.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobo311
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I went to the zoo today and they only had one dog.

It was a shitzu

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wavepoolsquad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.

Thots and prayers

πŸ‘︎ 656
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgorbg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?

Because the bartender keeps saying, β€œCan I get U anything?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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My wife asked me if she's the only one I've been with.

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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Why was the Monarch only one foot tall?

He was a Ruler!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Back when I worked at a different brewery, one of the brewers only had one leg.

She was in charge of the hops.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DukeofZebulon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know why the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archiewalton09
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why am I the only one naked?

They said it was a gender reveal party?

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rebellac
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My professor asked me why did I put only one of the three authors as a reference.

I said that I didn’t feel tempted to do so et. al

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarawatachi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?

IHOP

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s1_amit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In far future, in a robot-only disco, one of the dancers suddenly shuts down.

The doctor arrives and after a quick inspection he calms the crowd:

β€œDon’t worry, he just got disco-nnected.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That-Grim-Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...

She says, β€œOh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, β€œI don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

πŸ‘︎ 447
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Introducing the new rhyme speaking Green Onion with the super tight back beat! Please welcome the one! The only---

Rapscallion!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was only going to buy one budgie, but in the end I got two.

They were going cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Am I the only one who has to spell out the alphabet to find where a letter is
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do?

Stop pretending.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Fun fact: Axolotls our one of the only species to have a different name in their infancy.

Axolittles.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReflexNL
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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The one and only Gentina
πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlimDickMcFatNuts
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Sure, Poe Dameron is a handsome ex-smuggler, but he's not the only one

Han's hot first

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mommypanda35
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.

It’s a real Shih Tzu.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reepicheep08
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bakery and noticed I was the only one there.

It was completely desserted.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the mass murderer who only hunted vegetarians?

He was a Serial Kaler

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruce_Wang007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s are not the only one dealing with dad bods during the pandemic

Their sisters are also getting auntie bodies

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.

It was a Shitzu.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zzuhruf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…

It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I've heard the german army only liked one type of pastry.

The luft-waffle

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YKantSpiel66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman asked her husband if she was the only one he’d ever been with.

He replied β€œYes, the others were all nines or tens”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KR1S18
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Am I the only one who feels on edge about this?
πŸ‘︎ 290
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.

It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawn317
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I started a business fixing vehicles to have the wheel only turning one direction.

Business is going alright

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charlotte_8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.

She said, β€œYes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stamps69
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the zoo with only one stupid dog?

Yeah...its a pretty shih tzu

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseAndRitz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Six days of the week are dedicated to daughters. Only one day is ...

Son day

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.

It’s called the Redundant-Sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pockets-sandy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the king only one foot tall?

Because he’s a ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 333
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πŸ‘€︎ u/curio_123
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanshsu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a really disappointing visit to the zoo. They only had one animal, and that was only a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fastest_finger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Took the kids to the zoo the other day but it only had one animal...

It was a Shih Tzu.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_deleted
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Where is the best place to work if you only have one leg?

IHOP

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cherryskies13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a zoo the other day and it had only one animal, a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasberryjam5151
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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