A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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He arrived mysteriously. He helped, performed miracles, died, got resurrected, and went back to the heavens.

E.T. (1982) A Hollywood classic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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For the lobsters in the kitchen....

...the sinking of the Titanic was a 'miracle'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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An old couple were eating dinner on christmas eve.

The old man was cheery and happy while his wife did not share his joy. The old man said; "honey why're you grumpy? It's christmas!" She said; "but deer look! All our crops are dying if this goes on we won't survive the winter. We need a christmas miracle for that." The old man looked outside and said; "Honey, look a christmas miracle!" The old lady got filled with glee and looked outside, and there was santa flying in his sleigh. She said; "But honey was wasn't hoping for santa in his sleigh, I was hoping for rain-dear!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DinoDongo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner.

So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke.

Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking? Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it? I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. takes sip ... Gf: This is wine... Me: Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair Praise the LORD and his miracles!

πŸ‘︎ 738
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boss_ginger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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My Dad finds away to make everything funny.

I was in line for a ride at an amusement park with my family and boyfriend, when my dad saw a sign just like this one http://imgur.com/3dGi1hU.

He takes one look at it, and without speaking directly to anyone in my family he says "Miracles this way? Must be one hell of a ride."

Then he just looked at me with the biggest smirk on his face, like he had just said the funniest thing anyone could ever say. I love that man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddicted9313
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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My dad's credit card joke.

So, we were in the car, on our way to a restaurant. Dad says "Hey kids, do you want to see a miracle?" obviously, we're like, err wut, ok...

Then he pulls out his visa card and says "See this? This little piece of plastic is going to turn into food, isn't that amazing?"

Yeah....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lalionnemoddeuse
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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The priest on a safari

One day a priest decided to go on a safari through Africa. He was having a good time until he saw a lion staring him in the face. The priest dropped to his knees and started praying, shouting "Oh lord, please save me from being eaten by this lion!" He opened his eyes to see the lion praying alongside him. The priest said "it's a miracle!" and the lion said "nope, I just always pray before a meal."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seadrake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2013
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