My Kid: β€œSo my friends and I joined the improv club at school.”

Me: β€œThat sounds cool. Do you guys have a plan or are you just gonna make it up as you go?”

(This was a couple years ago and I still look back on it as my peak dad joke)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcsscallywag
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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I went to see a mime improv the other day and the performance was spectacular

It goes without saying

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aparks1437
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is β€œimprovement”.

Because there’s always room for improvement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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My son improved the glue joke, "Hows that new glue"

Son: "It's holding up."

He rattles these off as I read r/dadjokes to him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s14owner95
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.

UNEEDCHEF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...

The noise was unbearable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Who improved the art of stealing to perfection?

Rob Boss.

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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...

It was a soundboard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I just invested in a company that will pay me to keep t-bones and rib-eyes in my freezer to sell when the market improves...

I'm a steak-holder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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With daily practice, the lumberjack’s musical ability improved

logarithmically

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…

β€’ you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.

β€’ you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.

β€’ you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.

β€’ mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.

β€’ you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.

β€’ your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the top two things that improve your hearing?

Your ears

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToldYouSo20
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Got really bad eyesight, but at the end of this year I’ll get eye surgery to improve my vision, so hopefully next year it will be...

2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankaydoodl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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A recipe for a good relationship

My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.

I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.

So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.

The look on her face was priceless!

I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyRidesABikey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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If I make a new and improved fishing lure and name it the pod, will people using it be pod casters?
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatCoconut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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You can improve the efficiency of your air conditioner by using it after your air shampoo!
πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2016
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Where do you send a kid with ADHD during the summer to improve their focus?

Concentration camp

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwvrie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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My sister had to have surgery today. Honestly the puns leave womb for improvement.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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In the 1970s farmers attempted giving weed to cows in order to improve milk production. However, they concluded the steaks were too high.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RndmRanger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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To all the people waiting to find out how to improve your posture...

Sit tight

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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I tried to change the wording of the pizza joke to improve it...

But no matter how you slice it, it’s still cheesy, regardless of the delivery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rom_Dolos
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Did you hear about the new and improved Cricut vinyl cutter?

It was developed using cutting edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnyCharming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
As a traffic planner I was asked how and where I intended to improve flow through intersections. I pointed on the map and said,

"Roundabout here."

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Help with puns on biblical figures

I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tesla_pasta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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The Nordic countries are pooling their resources to improve renewable energy production.

Many Hans make light work.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodney_skinner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2015
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What do you say to someone who has been on the moon when you feel bad about something?

>You Apollo-gize

(From my son today, he has improved astronomically over the past few years.)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waremi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I went to the home improvement store to compare prices on new carpet, wood, and tile.

The prices floored me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaunceychaunce
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
🚨︎ report
When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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Shopping at the home improvement store

Just found this subreddit and, being a dad, I figured I needed to share some material...

I'm checking out at the home improvement store, my wife standing next to me as the bubble-headed cashier rings me up. She gets to a bag of six inch galvanized spikes that I was buying for an outdoor project. Trying to look up the price in her book, our ditzy cashier holds one up and says, "Is this nine inches?" I smile and turn to my wife saying, "Her boyfriend must love her. He's got her convinced that that's nice inches..."

At that point my wife slapped me saying, "You're disgusting!" and our little airhead just stood there and had no idea why.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubikscanopener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
This pun made my friend not want to talk to me for a day

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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10 Stupid Puns
  1. My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)

  2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

  3. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But IΒ mistΒ my chance. I guess I couldΒ dewΒ itΒ tomorrow!

  4. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.

  5. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!

  6. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"

  7. Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!

  8. I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!

  9. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

  10. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsdaily
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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We have a new design! What do you guys think about it?

Hey, since we (the new mods) joined the sub 1,5 months ago we've made some changes, mostly with the rules and some backend stuff. Now I also updated the icon (slightly) and the banner (on redesign and mobile), too.

What do you guys think about it?

Do you like it? ( Yes/No ). What could be improved about it?

Also, are you happy with how we're moderating the subreddit? Are we too strict with the rules or toulouse too loose? Do the rules even make sense?

We want to improve this subreddit and we need your feedback for that, so feel free to speak your mind!

You can either simply leave a comment down here in the thread or send us a message.

Looking forward to your feedback and have a nice day! :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yayoletsgo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.

He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms - and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, β€œNo, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdrusk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

πŸ‘︎ 338
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
I had to get up at 4 am the other day to catch the bus. I texted my dad this:

Me: I keep making mistakes at work, but that’s what I get for waking up before the asscrack of dawn.

Dad: I’m sure you’re going to be fine. Take it in stride and improve as you go. And stop talking about dawn’s asscrack. She may find that offensive.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinetree218
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my coworker yesterday.

He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:

"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."

The resulting groan was glorious.

πŸ‘︎ 884
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WajorMeasel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2016
🚨︎ report
A son asks his father for a new car for his birthday...

Son: Dad, I turn 16 in a few months and would really like a car for my birthday.

Father: Well son, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do three things for me, I’ll get you the car. First, you need to improve your grades. Second, I want you to see you in church every Sunday. And finally, I want you to cut your long hair.

A FEW MONTHS PASS

Son: Dad, next week is my birthday and I’ve done everything you asked. Can I get a car?

Father: I did notice you got straight A’s on your report card and I’ve seen you at church every Sunday. But you didn’t cut you hair. I told you to cut your hair.

Son: I wanted to talk to you about that. In bible study I learned that Moses, John the Baptist, and Jesus all had long hair.

Father: Yes they did. And they walked everywhere they went.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blake4Bama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a department of United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.

UNEEDCHEF

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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