Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I got my grandma a new walking frame made by NASA and she's starting to get the hang of it...

It's one small step for Nan....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No. It wooden start

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_methematician
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame

I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxTURDxTACOxX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos.

We couldn't settle between two of them. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one.

So, I told her, "Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMartin58
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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What do you call it when a bowler knocks down all the pins in a practice frame?

A preemptive strike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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******The Hunchshaq of Notre Dame***** (Frame from the YouTube video β€œshaq eats a hot wing content aware scale”)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeclanKav18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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You’re the world’s greatest dad although my frame of reference is pretty limited.

Happy Father’s Day fellow dads!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jangooni
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.

They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it. My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in. My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that??? He said yes it’s a cat..... A putty cat......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkcanna
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Teacher: Frame a sentence using the word 'harassment.'

Student: I'm in love with a girl and harassment a lot to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocturnal_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2018
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When I was little, we went to an outdoor lecture featuring the original cast of Star Trek. I was especially excited to see Bones. Unfortunately, we were seated toward the side of the amphitheater, where huge oaks had been planted to frame the stage.

As a result, I couldn't see DeForest through the trees

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Wife says"The lady at the frame shop was Russian"

Why was she in such a hurry?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Togiak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2017
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Dad walked down the stairs with his arm through a dozen picture frames.

"I've been framed!" he said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jontagg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2015
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Mom was in the living room hammering a nail in the wall to hang a frame...

...and she says "I think I hit a stud."

My dad yells out from the kitchen "That's funny, I didn't feel anything!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaden_____Smith
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
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Did you hear there was a photo store robbed recently? They caught the robber, but he says he was framed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fewlesspro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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I could use help refining this one

Many of you probably know what it’s like to have part of a joke or a punchline that you can’t seem to put together into one full working joke. Here’s what I’ve got:

The film’s last frame, already used, says to the camera, β€œCome on, take another photo, I don’t mind.”

To which the camera replies, β€œAre you sure? I wouldn’t want to superimpose.”

It’s there but it’s not quite. Any help?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewZabar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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I framed a picture the other day

The poor thing is now serving 20 years for murder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tom555
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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What is the most sexual object in the world?

A door, because it wont stop banging the frame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSnuffy
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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What can a 2d animator and a hacker from an early 2000’s movie agree on

The main frames are key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daydreemur1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Picture this...

Why did the picture go to jail

It was framed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninjohna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Let me know if any of these make you laugh!
  1. What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
  2. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  3. I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
  4. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
  5. All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
  6. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  7. Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
  8. A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”
  9. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
  10. I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.

Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrujaBean
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Just got a groan from my girlfriend...

I came in from having a cigarette and while closing the cumbersome sliding glass door I remarked, "Man that door is heavy!"

"I know," she says, "sometimes it pushes me back."

"That's terrible! Has it committed any other crimes against you?" I asked.

"No, but we should still sue it for everything it has though!" she said.

I grinned at her and offered, "It would probably just say it was framed."

She let out a quiet groan and flippantly said, "You're funny"

Edit: words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/score_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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My wife said she was going to take some photos of me.

It’s been a few hours and all of the framed photos on the walls are still here?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loaf_of_bean
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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My 10 year old stood a few feet away from me and asked... Dad? How far away is a stud?

...my mind raced with punchlines of the β€œabout this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.

Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: β€œI don’t know son, how far?”

He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a β€œstud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cid73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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Did you all hear about the robbery at the picture gallery?

Apparently, the robber stole some cash and a large frame, but as he was leaving he threw the large frame at a customer.

When the police showed up, the customer said,

β€œIt wasn’t me! I’ve been framed!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daily_prophet09
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I've been set up!

Why was the painting sad that it got sent to jail? Because it was framed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HerChewieBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Pillowcases

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/payne_train
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Got my Dad today

We are renovating our bathroom. Almost finished all we have left is to hang the door. He measures the door frame and asks me "How big is the door?" i looked him dead in the eyes and replied "Big enough to fit the hole"

There was a brief pause then we both broke out into laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vrock1422
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
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A little help with a pun, please?

I made my boyfriend a picture frame for a Christmas present and I want to put a cute pun inside. I was thinking something along the lines of "Since the day we met, I've always pictured us together." Any other ideas? Thank you!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noooooooooodlez
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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Donkey walks into a bar and sees there’s a horse in the bar as well.

Donkey starts speaking to the horse, β€œSo what do you do?”

β€œOh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping.” says the horse.

Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a thoroughbred.

β€œWhat do you do?” Asks the horse.

All embarrassed the donkey says β€œoh... uh... well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beach”

They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey's house for drinks next week. Donkey's thinking to himself he’s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.

Horse comes round and goes β€œOh this is a nice house you’ve got, that’s a nice picture too”

Donkey says β€œOh aye, that’s when I played for Juventus”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skubbags
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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My son is looking for a work placement...

We were watching an article on the news about a door frame manufacturer and I suggested he try there, after all they have lots of openings

(I'll get my coat)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fox2319
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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I was Dad joked by a 6 year old a couple days ago.

I went to an old friends place to catch up and his 6 year old son was running around, doing usual 6 year old kid things, when he suddenly stubbed his toe on the door frame.

He looks at me and says, "somebody call the Toe Truck!"

But I got him back after he said, "this is the armpit joke" and poked me in the armpit. I said "is it called the armpit joke because it stinks?"

Hah! Gotem!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMe_Dig_Baddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jake261
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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My three year old is learning well

We were making a wooden frame for the family picture. Me " I got glue on my fingers." Son " looks like you're in a sticky situation"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpanther
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
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Put it up...

I love this one. I went to buy a new picture frame, and when I brought it to the register to pay, the clerk said, "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

I replied, that would be uncomfortable, no it's going on the wall."

ZING!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrettinger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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World map

My parents have been traveling the world and my Mom bought my Dad a big world map (in a frame) for his birthday. It comes with tacks that you stick into the countries you have visited. Once they put the tacks in I dropped this.

Me: Isn't it funny how every country you have visited is now "under attack"?

My Mom glared at me and it took my Dad a couple seconds. He giggled and gave me that "I'm laughing but you know that was terrible" look.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcmastermind
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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Punrelenting word play at the Rose Parade

New Year's Day... The start of a fresh 365 sunrises that symbolize a turning point in lifestyle and spending the entire day recovering from a dreadful hangover. Like many other people in America, this relatively fake holiday is a time that I spend with my family. One of my family's many traditions (alongside annihilating plates of buffalo wings and watching college football until we pass out on the couch) is watching the Rose Parade. At the very beginning of the event, before all of the flower-covered floats and high school bands came marching down the street, there was an introductory ceremony complete with a B-2 stealth bomber flyover. As soon as they passed by, zooming out of the camera's frame, my dad leans in closer to me and says "Well I sure didn't see that coming!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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I recently moved out, and decided to text my dad a status update.

Me: "So I finally got my bed up on the frame. Not sleeping on a mattress on the floor anymore."

Dad: "Moving up in the world.....literally."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0vAix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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Got my GF while I was moving a couch.

Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame.

Me: "Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door."

GF: "That's what happens when you are moving a couch."

Me: "Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take."

Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room. I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubgamer442
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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