What did book critics think of the Communist Manifesto?

They gave it high Marx because it looked at many new Engels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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The art critic had to see a podiatrist.

He was diagnosed with aesthetes foot. (OC)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlappyWhite54
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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At the zoo there is a famous hippopotamus critic they named Al. There is only one problem.

He is hippo critic Al.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/life_of_loki
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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What did the mute film critic say to the blind guy?
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticized the Chinese Government?

[removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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We had a critical issue at work today, the icons on the monitor screen were small

It took us a while to work out a proper resolution

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faisalz8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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The police called me to tell me my wife was in hospital and that she was critical !

What is she complaining about now I said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I saw the headline β€œTrump Attacks WHO chief Over Criticisms of U.S. Approach to Coronavirus” and thought...

What the hell did Pete Townshend do?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TreyBien875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?

He just took it in stride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said?

β€œRibbit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smacksmackums
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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My daughter just hit me with this over dinner.

We're sitting around having dinner, and my wife isn't feeling great about the cooking. My daughter (6) starts critiquing the sauce, talking about what she doesn't like. I told her that sometime you have to read the room and see whether people want their cooking criticized.

She looks at me and says "Dad, you can't read a room if there are no letters in it" and starts giggling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Did you hear about the new corn maze the pumpkin patch?

All the critics agree, it's hay-mazing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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All of this criticism and backlash over Eminem's recent verses and punchlines is just the collective groan expected when the greatest rapper of all time starts making epic dad jokes.

FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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What did the banana say when it criticizes you for being rude?

Where are your bamanners?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoreus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week...

...It was Mooch ado about nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afeastforgeorge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
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I started a literary criticism group at the local prison

It's called "Prose and Cons"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desleaunoi
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Action Movie

Have you heard about the Bollywood action movie about a baker? Critics say it's naan stop action.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalebWilliamson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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A critically-acclaimed and culturally significant Chinese ballet/film about pressure cooking a small member of the family Myctophidae?

Braise the Red Lanternfish

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2013
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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If I ordered a Mint Julep in a copper mug

could I call it a Moscow Mitch?

Explanation: A cocktail called a Moscow Mule is served in copper mugs. The mint julep is Kentucky Derby's official drink, and Mitch McConnell is the senator from Kentucky who has blocked legislation to stop Russian interference in US elections, earning him the nickname "Moscow Mitch" among his critics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elRobRex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I had a newly created job as Corporate Critic...

where I could criticize and demean other employees. But the job was eliminated and I was let go when my co-workers complained about my DISS-POSITION.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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I just started a successful aircon company

We have a lot of fans, and the critics were blown away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sl4yer04
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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Me and my friends first day as a lumber jack

Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question

My friend: sure, axe your question

Me: I’m making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?

My friend: sure just put you’re username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in

Me: sweet

Ik this is bad I never make puns also I don’t mind criticism

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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Stop basting my Lamb, you lamb-baster

So I came across a word today in my reading that I had heard before and was able to deduce it's likely meaning based in the context it was used, however, to be safe, I looked it up anyway and while reading the book definition came up with what I hope is an original pun (phrase)...

Context: When someone is giving you a hard time you can say, "stop basting my Lamb, you lamb-baster"

lambaste - criticize (someone or something) harshly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Textipulator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I tormented my child with something that is barely even a pun.

(Background: β€œSans” is the name of a character in a video game.)

me: If Sans were playing D’n’D and rolled a critical hit, would that be a β€œsans-crit”?

child: Please don’t talk to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacknutting
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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dad songs

So I just sang my wife the chorus from boots are made for walking but I changed it a little. It goes like this: β™ͺThose hips are made for birthin', and that's just what they'll do. One of these days next week they'll push a baby out of you!β™ͺ

She wasn't very excited. Talk about a tough critic...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tuckereh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2016
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A Punny Story

A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.

The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.

"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.

The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.

Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.

"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.

"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.

The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.

"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaronVA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Late Christmas Grandadjoke

My brother opens up his Christmas present which was a book of Edgar Allen Poe stories.

To which my grandpa immediately says, "I heard the critics were really Raven about that one!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleshark42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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Dad joked my wife regarding a restaurant review

My wife and I love trying new restaurants, so she was excited to tell me about a review she read about a local place that featured food from Laos.

Naturally, I had to ask: "Did the critic think the food was Laos-y?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdm242
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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This one received both a roomful of groans and applause!

Yesterday I was doing Concert practice - fairly standard for a music student, play some songs (with a band), receive some constructive criticism, if there's time, play it again, see if it improved.

So after aforementioned criticism the band and I are about to play again when one of the singers points the mic at the speaker (accidentally) and painfully loud feedback assaults our ears.

In the following silence, I commented: "That's the least useful feedback we've had all day!"

...silence.

Then approximately forty people groaning in unison, which gave way to applause for my awful dadjoke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clarrington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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Dadjoked my dad

We had burgers for dinner, and they were a little overcooked. Just a bit, still delicious, but my dad is always critical of himself. My mom assured him that the burgers were very good and I told him that "yes, they were very well done" to which everyone rolled their eyes while I laughed uncontrollably.

My dad rolled his eyes, but he also smiled proudly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/natanbroon
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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Dad-joked my girlfriend

She was doing some uni work and messaged me saying she thinks one of our friends got something wrong

Her: I think he's got the wrong critical value

Me: Sounds like a... critical mistake

Her: -.- Why?

I was pretty proud...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaMcDazzle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?

He just took it in stride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?

He just took it in stride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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