I asked Rick Astley to let me borrow his copy of the movie UP.

He said he'd never give it to me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.

I prefer the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.

Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as?

Me: a walking dad joke.

Her: ...?

Me: I'd be kind of lame.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends never let me borrow money for arcade games at the roller rink

Cheap skates

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/druebird86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
We were at the library when my mate asked "Hey, could I borrow your book mark?"

I got mad and walked out. After 3 years of being college flatmates, he doesn't even know my name is Tom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey Son, thanks for letting me borrow your car. By the way I got some water in the carburator." "Where's my car?"

"In the River!..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dartis_X-UI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the borrowed money not afraid anymore?

Because it wasn't a loan any more.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.

The poor man dyed a loan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it β€œLent”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My son Brary told me that books can no longer be borrowed from the book house.

That’s a lie, Brary.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xFarrokh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Mom: I'm going to run down to my cousin's house. She needs to borrow the car.

Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikesanerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2015
🚨︎ report
My son keeps borrowing my work out clothes to go to the gym...

..but now he has squatter's rights.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/balloonhat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday my neighbor asked to borrow my copy of the movie β€œIt”. I proceeded to beat him up. My wife asked me why the hell I would beat him up.

I told her he was asking for It.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cubic-Zirconia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the fisherman do when he needed to borrow a boat from another dock?

He took out a pier to pier loan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domthehuman1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm borrowing a friend's tent for the weekend.

Me: I'll be sure to bring it back in one piece. Him: No, please break it down first.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoiceofLou
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I ask my dad, "What are the chances of me borrowing the car today?"

He Responds, "Two Chances," I look expectantly. 'Slim and None."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nfestid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Sister needed to borrow the stud finder

"Sure! Mom is usually done at work around 4."

My sister just turned around and left the house.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Everun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2014
🚨︎ report
One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Two very hungry men were wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree.

One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere. He yells to his friend, "watch out! It's not a bacon tree. It's a hambush!"

*Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phizzwizard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Bowie and Bing Crosby meet up in heaven…

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Two British cuttlefish are in the pub. One hands the other a sorry-looking cephalopod and says…

Here’s the sick squid I borrowed off you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carya_spp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear a killer joke?

A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce.

Me: "Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
No stains!

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djeclipz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm going to the liry".

Me: "What's that?"

She: "The place where you read and borrow books"

Me: "You mean library?"

She: "Yes, but I have no bra"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Can't stop me

Context: I'm homeschooled and a Boy Scout, there's a campout in the next few weeks we can take our bikes to

I'm Skyping with my grandma who lives several hours away from me and my brother is up there visiting, and he said I can't borrow his bike. I told him "I wasn't anyways, it doesn't have brakes." and a few seconds later I said "So I guess there's nothing you can do to stop me."

We all laughed and there was a groan.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbertking1
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
🚨︎ report
I may be in my 20s and single but today I cracked a pretty good dad joke

Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.

A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.

I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.

"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"

"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."

β€”β€”β€”

Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.

Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth_henning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
[Serious] Thank you /r/dadjokes community!

Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough.

My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims.

I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd.

So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work!

My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A friend of mine is constantly borrowing money. I said to him, β€œI don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”

He said, β€œOh please...you really should give me a bit more credit.”

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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I asked my dad if I could borrow the car

He threw my shoes at me and said the ol' Chevrolegs will get you there.

(Does anyone know more of these shoe/leg puns?)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

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πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saveitforthedisco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
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Asked to borrow a belt from my dad yesterday...

I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt. He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole.

Me: "Dad, it's too big"

Dad: "What? Let me see that."

puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop

Dad: "I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherDashingf11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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