Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when 2 triangles fight?

They square off.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
You know what a fight between Cloud Strife and Hero is Smash is called...

A square off!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
So I'm at a bar with my friend the other day...

Bartender comes over to get our drinks, we're both interested in hydrating to start off with and we order waters.

Bartender asks if we want ice water or just water.

We both say we'd like ice in our water.

So then I say, "well, you could say it's ice water squared."

My buddy then lowers his head and says, "Bro, they come cubed..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goldraven
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Betting on the man jumping off a ledge

Two clowns were watching the late evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station then cut to a commercial.

The first clown said, β€œI bet you $20 he’s going to jump.”

The second clown repliedΒ  β€œOkay, it’s a bet!”

(Back to newscast.) The man jumped.

The second clown, being a good sport, pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the other clown. β€œOkay. Here’s my $20.”

However, the first clown refused, saying β€œNo, I can’t take it.”

The second clown replied, β€œI insist. I lost the bet fair and square.”

The first clown said, β€œI have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a fair bet.”

But the second clown replied, β€œI know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/betting-on-the-man-jumping-off-a-ledge/

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Looks like rain?

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

They feel a slight precipitation.

β€œI think it’s raining," says the man.

β€œNo, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man.

β€œOfficer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

β€œDefinitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. β€œSee? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GuiltyTroll
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Said this to my wife on the way to Disney world.

A lady on the plane had a round patch behind her ear. I told my wife

Me - I think that woman has a dramamine patch on.

Wife - I think dramamine patches are square and that one is round

Me - maybe it's an off brand patch.. Maybe it's called a dramanice patch. You know like an equate brand?

She just looked at me and put her ear buds back in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tall_crawl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
My professor brought up costumes at lecture.

Prof - "Its good that ya'll got so excited for Halloween, but this row (indicates with hand) needs to take off the masks because its too scary for me to teach!"

No one was wearing a mask.

The prof is a grandpa so his dad jokes are squared.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrenadeStankFace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
🚨︎ report
Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joke at a family supper tonight.

My aunt and uncle recently adopted an Ethiopian boy. His first night in the states, he had pizza off the kids menu at Olive Garden. It was a small personal pizza, with an obvious circle shape. Couple days later, had pizza at his new parents. It was cut into the triangular shape. He went to school for the last day of the semester just to see what it was like, and they had square pizza.

Not knowing what the shapes were called in English, he drew the shapes for us. When he told us it was square pizza, my dad yelled out "they're cutting corners!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grocery-Storr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
"Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

A couple is walking in St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining, "Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The Man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evr487
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.