My wife tell me she likes spooning in bed

I much prefer forking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slartibartfastBB
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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Got my girlfriend the other day while spooning

She was the big spoon.

She says to me: "no farting allowed!"

My response: "how about a-quiet?"

edit: For those asking: "allowed" sounds like "a loud" as in a loud fart. "a quiet" would be a quiet fart ie: silent but deadly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sonicmantis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
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I'm all for spooning... (no love on /r/funny) imgur.com/ImFWc
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadasecond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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I had real trouble getting a spoon out of the dishwasher.

How it got stuck up her butt I'd never know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I’m Russian to the kitchen for a spoon πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesDesign11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I'm gonna need a bigger spoon
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerb99meister
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Spoons!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluequick
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...

It was jarring!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farhan_Hyder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goongoof
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?

They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?

Because its non stick.

Source: my actual Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LippyHippy23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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When I graduated culinary school my parents gave me a gold-plated spoon.

It was a stirring tribute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Why does The Tick hate the Matrix movies?

There is no spoon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Renton_Knox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Eating life with a big spoon
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?

He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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What's the best type of spoon.

I'll tell you ladle.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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How do you confuse someone?

Paint yourself green and throw spoons at them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jerilishous
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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An urban legend that was revealed on the movie Legally Blonde.

Guy 1: I heard that the main character kept stabbing people on the set filming Legally Blonde. I can't remember her full name. It was Reese..... something. She just kept attacking people one by one but I don't know who it was.

Guy 2: Witherspoon

Guy 1: No...... with her knife. Who would be that stupid to use a spoon to hurt over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macman1604
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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She asked if I wanted to spoon.

I said I’d rather fork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dpforest
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.

This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoxyCamoCat738
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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It’s Reese with her spoon
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joaxaround
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I always spoon a woman after I fork them

I guess I'm just knife like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Balsuks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon.

I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cynid3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.

Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BetterThanOP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I pead my pants
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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons

That wasn't knife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Why can't Neo eat his ice cream?

Because there is no spoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/localgasgiant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I ate a spoon of food color

now i'm dying inside

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gay_edgelord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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What did the knife robber say to the spoon

Fork over the cash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mundo_Official
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Captain Kirk finally came up with a name for his invention: a cross between a hose nozzle, a spoon, and a fork.

He called it Mister Spork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gecko_echo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:

How very un-ladle-like!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magic7ball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?

Invitation said to look sharp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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How do you call clothings for spoons?

Silverwear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0t__em
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivrak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...

It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasthetanker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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This bread recipe said to combine all ingredients with a spoon, or if you prefer, use your hands.

I felt there was no knead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isarealboy13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Why were the utensils stuck together?

They were spooning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Trucker's Breakfast

A trucker came intoΒ  a Truck Stop CafΓ© and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.Β  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My wife was hassling me because I was eating my ravioli with a spoon.

I told her to get the fork away from me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clit_or_us
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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What's the difference between chemistry and cooking

In chemistry you should never lick the spoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpookyWeebou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?

He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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