*smack*
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urmadergey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Someone just told me they were going to smack me with the neck of their guitar.

I said, β€œis that a fret?”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinkerhubbin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Cute petite smacks pussy in bathtub
πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
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I made my wife smack me last night.

The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him.

I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet.

So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base.

She replied, "Why would you tell me that?!"

I looked her dead in the eyes and replied "Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation."

She smacked me.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/argash
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
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What d'you get if you randomly smack a load of avocados?

Wuacamole

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZMech
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. β€œThat’s easy”, he replied...

Dick Van Dyke

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?

A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.

He started pointing them out to me.

"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."

++++++++++++++++++

I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.

I like it. I'm proud of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Got smacked by this one today

I was riding with my coworker today and we passed by a car with the license plate of "Wanda3". I comment wondering where Wanda1 and 2 are.

My coworker leans over and says: "I wanda"

groan

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muffinsborn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2017
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My two daughters smacked their heads together on accident tonight.

I guess you could say it was a meeting of the minds. I have more, but my wife started ignoring me after the fourth joke.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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When I was little I got smacked on the butt so hard...

That it broke into two.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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My nephew smacked his face on the rear view mirror of a car...

I told him "Be careful, it's closer than it appears."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpudsMcKensey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Yup, thats what happened....
πŸ‘︎ 588
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πŸ‘€︎ u/antispiral11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Wife told me to say something if I stopped to look at stuff while shopping.

β€œSomething!”, I yelled at her. Warning: use at your own risk. I was smacked with a flip flop.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kranolta-Killer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Aisle for Cereal Adulterers.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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If you hit Dwayne Johnson's ass

Does it mean you hit rock bottom

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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He kept making his seal noise laugh and smacking his knee afterwards.

Dad: Hey is that burger place "Five Guys" good?

Me: Yeah it's okay but it's pretty damn expensive.

Dad: We should go to "One Guy" than... I bet it'll be cheaper!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xMIKEx714x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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Do you know the worst part about hugging the most attractive person I know?

Smacking into the mirror

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awburrou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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What do you call a heroin addicted mackerel?

A smack-erel

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippinflappyfart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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Got my wife last night

Wife (to daughter): Ugh, what smells. Is it your feet? I think it’s your feet.

Me: pretty sure it’s her nose

Wife: her nose smells?

Me: ...

Wife: I fuckin’ hate you

Simple is best!

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neanderthalman
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
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Do you know why some people bang on the side of the ketchup bottle while others bang on the bottom of the ketchup bottle?

Me: No. Why?

Him: To get the ketchup out.

Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
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My Yik Yak feed delivers

http://i.imgur.com/LT5FoFE.png

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danididdle23
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2015
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Smack him across the face with the fish and he'll stop annoying you forever

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABitOfALuddite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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A tomato family is walking down the road. The baby tomato falls behind.

Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, β€œKETCHUP!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/getalife4real
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Math Conversions

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Credit to my economics professor

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kleco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Found on r/askreddit
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confused_abyss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My wife couldn't find her phone the other day...

Me: I'll just call it.

Her: you can't, it's on silent.

Me: well, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it.

I got smacked for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Akuyatsu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2015
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Dad lip-syncs to his daughter's crazy tantrum. liveleak.com/view?i=460_1…
πŸ‘︎ 420
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πŸ‘€︎ u/You-Can-Trust-Me
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
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Got my wife this morning

We were getting ready for work and I smacked her on the ass. She said "you better watch yourself." I proceeded to stare at my arm until she moaned and walked away.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thugaim2135
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Just got my wife with this one!

Wife: [Talking about Amazon's Prime Photos app] Me: Did I tell you my friend just bought his house off of Amazon's latest app? Wife: No. What's their latest app? Me: Prime Real Estate. Me: [Gets smacked.]

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prophetuscaecus
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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My parents were showing us pictures from their vacation

Mom: Look how big our bed was! It was two double beds pushed together.

Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though?

Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/titties_forever
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2014
🚨︎ report
I heard about this popular new cemetery...

People are dying to go there.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheldini
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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So theres these two beavers

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks." Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says "JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparksio
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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β€œThe entire place was nuts.”

β€œAre you sure it wasn’t fruits?” - My fiance, who isn’t even a dad yet.

Me: -holding in my rage, 5 seconds later- Im putting you on r/dadjokes

Him: Yeah... it was pretty bad huh?

I’m glad he’s ready. I wanted to smack him for that one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anycae
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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So my dad dropped this one on me...

was driving down a back road by my house while it was snowing and my father randomly points out the window at some cows and proclaims "Look refrigerated beef!" I couldn't decide whether I should laugh or smack him.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PastorPat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
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Wife is driving, we're pulling through a fastfood drive through...

She asks me 'Do you have your wallet handy?'
Its in my back pocket so I reply 'Nope! It's currently ass-y.' (I then retrieve my wallet amidst being smacked around my head and shoulders)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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I'm A New Dad!

My wife to our daughter as we entered a grocery store: "Honey, do you want to sit in the cart again?"

Me: "I highly doubt she wants to sit in a sweater."

A few seconds later I could almost hear the light bulb click on over my wife's head and I got smacked in the arm.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMFargo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2014
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Quasimodo's Replacement

Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bygles
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
🚨︎ report

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