Waiter: β€œHow do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: β€œLike winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter β€œRare it is!”.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boredhanda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 695
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium

Me: 0mg

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssr0203
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?

I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Banker: sir, why is your land deed covered in... grease???

Dad: I steaked my claim!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arakashi_moku
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: β€œSir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: "and?"

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Magical Creatures Rights Activist: Sir, are you aware of how wizards and witches deal with Boggarts?

It’s riddikulus!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vote4Hitler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.

AND?

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"

Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!

Source: tedthestoner2.0.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabhiram
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "

Me: "How rare?"

Doc: "You pick the name.

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

πŸ‘︎ 28k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?

Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donkey_Dealer08
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey Sir, police jokes aren’t funny!

So give it arrest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did king Arthur say to sir Lancelot?

Its knight time

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?

Because I’m resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redrocketinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
This was posted by Sir Ian McKellen himself on Facebook

https://preview.redd.it/pcu1x2n9tvs51.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=f8b5cc4564de7f6b3da1ce9dfd2508b168d159e6

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limeila
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.

"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Man #1: "Sir, would you like a pamphlet about our organization?

Man #2: "Bro, sure."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Waitress: "Are you finished sir?"

Dad: "No, I'm actually Norwegian. So close though, you're pretty good at that!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChetRipley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said β€œdo you have a police record, sir?” I said:

Roxanne...

Edit-spelling

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Das_Kommandant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β€œ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said

Bud-wei-ser?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exier--
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!

Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Helmet won by Sir Cumsize during war in the year 1215AD
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"

"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Sir/Madam

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Sir yes sir
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/narwhal-lord14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, β€œSir, would you care for a drink?”

I asked her, β€œwhat are my options?”

She said, β€œyes or no.”

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMikeD1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?

Because of eating disorder.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Store cashier: "Sir, do you wanna box for these items?"

Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"

πŸ‘︎ 244
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Sir, you have an upset stomach

Me: So that’s where all that crying is coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Sir what should we do ?
πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homodemen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Sir, why did you choose to sit at the bar?

Because I have table reservations.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The fish and chip shop: β€œSorry sir we’re all out of fish.”

Me: β€œI knew it, there is no cod!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Sir, can you breathe?

No, but my lung can, sir.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/savedbytheb3l1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How did you find your steak, sir?

Right next to the potatoes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shazbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4rn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: β€œSir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”

Me: β€œAnd?”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C0untdown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?

Because of eating disorder.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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