You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments

Your crimes will then ketchup to you.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...

then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sybrite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What pokemon shoots holy water?

Blesstoise.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My 10 year old son said, β€œHey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?”

β€œSo we can have hamburgers!”

He was serious but it still cracked me up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jch308
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him.

He goes β€œ they don’t call me the Bartender for nothing”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakedcake32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
For this year’s Thanksgiving, I decided to shoot my own turkey.

Everyone at the frozen food aisle started freaking out though.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
why did the hunter shoot the map on the wall?

He saw a Turkey

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
You and your wife are playing hockey and she shoots

She Mrs. the net!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asadleafsfan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What body part do we shoot arrows with?

The elbow.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borna761
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What person can shoot somebody, then frame you for being there?

A photographer

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BustyNinja69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the cheese say when it shoots a basketball?

COLBY!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StitchNScratch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was about to shoot some pool with my friend Jacques and asked him, β€œHey, where is your cue?”

He said, β€œIt’s between the c and the u.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.

Well, that back fired.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A whale is masturbating. His sperm shoots out and thanks him.

He replies " You're whale cum!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poogart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the basketball player who tried to shoot hoops on a hockey rink?

Scottie Slippen

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NateTheSimpleOne
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,

I would call them missile toes.

Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a prostitute that shoots radio waves out of her nipples?

A Wi-Fi thotspot

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemonRapist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if you shoot down Santa's sleigh?

It starts to rain deer

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_jiujitsu_kid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, "That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
"Dad! Why did you shoot the TV?"

"I needed to take a screenshot, son"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GeekyNexi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say β€œTerry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin’ Terry

πŸ‘︎ 183
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sincons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Bob takes a stroll while talking about an old shoot 'em up

Yeah, he's a walking Contra-diction.

Alternative for the logic nerds:

Bob is always honest, and he says he doesn't like shoot 'em ups. His identical twin Joe says he loves shoot 'em ups. How do we know Joe is honest? Because if something is true, then so is its Contra-positive.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IceMetalPunk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Who decided to call it a gun box, and not a shoot case?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/napalm_roolz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music?

A canon canon cannon

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnysmart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the dog say after his Dad was involved in a shoot-out?

You shot my Paw!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuckyou62
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Who do you call someone who shoots up a bakery?

Pewdiepie

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coolrule360
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Pls don't shoot
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mounis11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you shoot a cup?

A mugshot!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeinousHermitCrab
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the Pornhub director say to the pornstars after the shoot?

Thank you all for coming.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/6BlaCKsalAMI9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you shoot a killer bee with

A bee bee gun

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EricAKAPode
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What will the Secret Service shout if someone tries to shoot Trump?

"Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elmaninho
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot?

Pew pew

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gentlewoolfy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt

A salt rifle

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mohd301
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What sound does a basketball made of cheese make when you shoot it?

Swiss

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skorge963
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a pretty good golfer and I normally shoot in the low 80s

Any hotter than that is uncomfortable

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A meth addict tried to shoot me with a sniper rifle.

He was a real crack shot!

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the gun that only shoots Israeli produced bullets?

I hear it's a semite automatic weapon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bucnjazzfan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many do you have left?

Zero. The rest would fly away.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbaileysr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I wanted to shoot your mom in the face. She didn't let me.

Nine months later, you were born.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amandausagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, β€œDo you wanna break?”

I said, β€œWe just got here. How lazy are you?”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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