Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss??

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 12:22 pm on September 23rd of last year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What do children and department stores have in common?

They're both preparing for Christmas ... in September.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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With how crazy this month has been please

Just wake me up when September ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBlazerBeam
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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All the members of Greenday have fallen asleep

Remind me to wake them up when September ends

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Somebody wake up Billie Joe Armstrong

He told us to wake him up when September ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piratecheese13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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How many seconds are there in a year?
  1. January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd & December 2nd.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDDankUs420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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I met my wife at a scrabble tournament 20 years ago...

In September we’re going to renew our vowels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yennicita
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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The other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear.

The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalconerGuitars
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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My son told me this morning that he forgot to get me up at midnight....

I asked "Why?"
He replied: "because, I was supposed to β™« wake you up, when september ends β™«"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmooney28
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
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If a private investigator is called a private eye, what do you call a pirate investigator?

A privateer.
(It's one to hold on to for September 19th!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobodyWhatsoever
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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EVERYBODY WAKE UP I HAVE SOME BIG NEWS :)

September has ended

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelharrison
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2015
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Fathers Day dad joke

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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Figured I'd share the Dad joke I told to my fellow runners while running an endurance course.

I ran a local Tough Mudder-like race in September (called Boldr Dash) which featured many obstacles over a four mile course. One of the obstacles was a huge ladder made out of tires that we had to climb up and over. While waiting my turn to climb it, I turned to the line and said "I hope nobody's TIRED!"

The combination of fatigue and disgust at my joke was everyone's reaction. A group groan, it was beautiful!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealSteele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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My son wasn't sure when Sommer usually leaves..

My son is driving back to college tomorrow with his friend Sommer.

Son: "I don't know how long I will be here Sunday because I'm not sure when Sommer usually leaves."

Me: "Summer usually leaves around September 20th"

I held up my hand for a high five but they didn't seem to care.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanTheMaverick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Road trip dad joke.

Early September right around sunset.

Me: "Jeez, it's weird to think that in a few months around winter, it'll (would) be pitch black outside."

Dad: "A few months!? It'll be pitch black out in about an hour!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_____treesbreeze
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Dadjoked by my mum.

I'm moving to Spain in September, and my mum was worried I was going to get fat.

To reassure her, I said "Don't worry, I'll find a gym when I'm out there."

She replied "That might be difficult, they're usually called Pedro or Juan out there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6Jonnie6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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Complete blindside by the mom...

I was sitting next to my mother on Saturday and we were discussing our schedule for the event we were attending. Since neither of us could remember what we had signed up for, I decided to check the sent mail folder on my phone. As it turns out, I hadn't checked that folder since September of last year. My mother, who is a tad OCD about things being up to date, looked at me completely appalled:

Mom: You haven't checked your smell since September? Me: Wait, what? Mom: You know, your sent?

Needless to say, I was very proud once I got over the shock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chipmm13
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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