My second pun:
I was disappointed by my recent theatre trip the other day: I thought it was a comedy set in a hospital but turns out it was just a play on wards.
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︎ Jul 15 2020
Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
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︎ Feb 06 2020
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon.
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︎ May 16 2020
What happens every 60 seconds?
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Took me a second π
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︎ Aug 21 2020
It took me a second..
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My wife says I second guess all of my decisions
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.
That's alot of information to swallow.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
I just read that somewhere in London someone gets stabbed every 53 seconds
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︎ Sep 13 2020
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, βI heard a good joke today.β Second dog replies, βGo on then.β First dog continues, βKnock Kno..."
Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...
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︎ Sep 16 2020
What do you say the second time you have Grey Poupon?
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︎ Sep 05 2020
What does an Italian say when you ask for seconds?
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeahβ¦" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right nowβ¦"
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︎ Apr 16 2020
I once saw an one handed man in a second hand store
I said to him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for sir.β
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Just a regular conversation
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︎ Jul 02 2020
My son was birthed in less than a second!
You could say it was spawntaneous
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︎ Aug 29 2020
The bass player of Red Hot Chili Peppers opened a second hand store
They're calling it the Flea Market
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︎ Aug 08 2020
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, he will never be there on time.
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︎ Jun 20 2020
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...
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︎ Aug 16 2020
this sub in a nutshell
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︎ Sep 03 2020
The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
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︎ Apr 12 2020
I was told I second guess myself too much..
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︎ Feb 20 2020
There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?
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︎ Aug 26 2020
We moved to a second floor apartment with ceiling fans.
I can now say I have fans in high places.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
What do you call the second girlfriend or boyfriend you ever had in your life?
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︎ Aug 03 2020
It takes a second to understand- or Iβm just special
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︎ Jun 10 2020
Yesterday I celebrated my thirty second birthday.
It just seems a little unfair that I only get half of a minute when everyone else gets the whole day.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
So I wanted to buy my wife a nice yellow orchid for her birthday, but then I swapped it for a red rose in the last second...
You could say it was a quick change of plants
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︎ Aug 10 2020
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says βwhat happened? Onions canβt jump by themselvesβ
the first chef responds with βthey can if theyβre spring onionsβ
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︎ Jul 06 2020
I'm having second thoughts about my appointment to stay at a Native American hotel.
I'm having reservation reservation reservation. (BR)
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︎ Aug 08 2020
We know the effects of second hand smoke are terrible.
Does anyone have peer reviewed studies on the effects of minute hand smoke?
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 Seconds' DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
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︎ Jan 29 2020
The best pen ever made will be the second to last ever made...
Because it would be penultimate.
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
...
keep reading on reddit β‘
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I just came second in my city's big bubble blowing competition
I came so close to winning but I blew it
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︎ Jun 13 2020
How do you think the unthinkable?
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?
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︎ Jul 22 2020
Dad got me good before, took a second sadly :s
Me; the moons almost full.
Dad; there's a plug at the bottom, drain it out.
Ffs.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
I bought a watch second hand today.
If I keep saving I'll be able to buy some other pieces too.
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︎ May 30 2020
6:30 is the best time of the day.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Why did the fisherman catch more on his second trip?
Because of his mussel memory
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︎ Jul 12 2020
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
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︎ Aug 16 2020
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Did you hear about the baseball player that is also a hacker?
They've been hitting everyone with their.bat
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I finally thought of a clock joke
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︎ May 27 2020
I came second in a dumpling eating contest...
...you dim sum, you lose some.
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︎ May 30 2020
2 seconds after I planed something
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︎ Apr 29 2020
What does a clock do when itβs hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
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︎ Jun 29 2020
What do you call the second tissue paper?
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︎ May 28 2020
I knew a guy who's best friend was a sea bird gifted by his dad's second wife.
It was his plover from another mother.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
I've heard that after a beheading, one remains aware for a few seconds afterwards
If that ever happens to you, quit while you're ahead
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︎ Jun 02 2020
Why canβt the number 5 perform sexually when number 1 is on top?
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Did you hear that the guy who got second place in that smoke machine design contest forgot how his prototype worked?
When they asked him about it, he said he didnβt have the foggiest idea.
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︎ May 23 2020
A ninja joke
There are two ninjas. The first ninja looks at the second ninja and says "Hey, can you hand me that throwing star over there?"
The second ninja says "shuriken!"
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︎ Sep 18 2020
I'm determined to walk with my wife across the second largest state in the USA, even if she wants to walk across the largest.
Regardless if it Texas along time, Alaska.
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︎ May 28 2020
My Second son was born in the car on the way to the hospital.
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︎ May 06 2020
Why did the second-rate toy plastic brick maker become obsessed?
Because he just couldnβt Lego.
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︎ Apr 23 2020
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back.
I said, βWell? 2B or not 2B?β
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︎ Apr 17 2020
During a checkup, my doctor told me my kneecaps were 2.54cm long.
"Inch high knees!" I replied.
ζ¨ηθηιͺ¨ι«2.54εη±³
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︎ Jul 13 2020
If I deadarm my brother once a second...
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︎ Jun 03 2020
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line.
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︎ May 22 2020
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said βthanks, youβre a lifesaver!β
The first one responded βactually Iβm a KitKatβ
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︎ Apr 08 2020
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds
Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium
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︎ Mar 01 2020
Why does the second Sunday in May always make Shaft feel guilty?
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︎ Apr 30 2020
I hung there, wondering if someone would cut me down at the last second.
The suspense was killing me.
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︎ May 10 2020
My therapist says that I second guess every decision that I ever make.
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︎ Mar 13 2019
My friend is running for treasurer and needs to make an eight second video for the video announcing the candidates, any good quick money puns for that?
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︎ Apr 13 2020
How do you pronounce the acronym for the Second Home Habitation Helpers?
"SHHH"
"What - I'm just trying to ask a question!"
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︎ May 14 2020
Why didn't the yeast want a second phone?
Because like all yeast, he was a single-cell phone guy.
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︎ Apr 29 2020
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Jun 10 2020
My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking
I said "Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer"
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︎ Jul 23 2020
For a second, I couldnβt decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
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︎ Dec 31 2019
This took me a second
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︎ Oct 10 2019
"Doctor please help, I've got 59 seconds to live!"
Doctor: " I'll be with you in a minute"
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︎ Feb 26 2020
My son asked me "What to pirates drive?"
Me: They drive a H-arrr-d bargain!
Son: No daddy, they drive a ship.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments
I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.
Keep it up you silly gooses!
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Does Dr. Fauci believe in the 5 second rule...
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︎ Apr 17 2020
It took me less than a second to smash a vinyl
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︎ Apr 04 2020
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
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︎ Jun 13 2020
I know how to catch fish, but I need a second person.
Someone has to throw them to me.
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︎ Mar 09 2020
Lost a race to a catholic lady in long robes today
I thought I was the fastest, turns out Iβm second to nun
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Apparently someone gets stabbed every 48 seconds in South London.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I can't find my gone in 60 seconds dvd.
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︎ May 19 2020
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
I can't find my Gone in 60 Seconds DVD...
I swear it was here just a minute ago.
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︎ Apr 29 2020
My therapist tells me I always second guess myself
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︎ Feb 11 2020
My math professor was late 16 minutes for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, heβll never be in class on time.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD
It was here a minute ago
Edit : fixed the spelling
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︎ Feb 14 2020
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