My most favorite recent pun.
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.
It was my entire life savings,
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
My friend recently passed
So I asked him where he was going
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
...Australians usually boo meringue
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, “If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?”
I said, “No, we will still be friends.”
I recently subscribed to a nice little magazine about steaks.
It's a rare medium well done.
My doctor recently told me that my body can’t digest burnt toast.
Turns out I’m blacktoast intolerant.
Have you heard any good steak jokes recently?
Neither have I. It's a rare medium well-done.
Scientists recently performed an experiment to figure out the gender of an ant. They would place them in a tub of water.
If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.
My wife says I've been listening to a lot of 80s rock recently
A New Zealand politician recently came under fire for lying when claiming that he refuses to sleep on anything but his recliner chair, when his wife produced evidence that showed otherwise.
I guess you could say he is a bed lie-er.
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first week was the hardest!
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
I accidentally smashed a window recently.
It was a pane to replace.
I recently picked up a book about spies.
I read it undercover to cover.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Recently read a fascinating book about glue.
A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR
What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"
A friend of mine got an organ transplant recently
His life is now organized.
I recently dropped and broke a 'shatter-proof' ruler
My disappointment is immeasurable
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation
I found out recently that it’s very common for Clowns to suffer from bad necks.
I guess it’s because they always sleep funny.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
A group of leprechauns was recently busted for selling fake granite
Yeah, they were sham rocks.
I’ve been getting into selling socks recently
You know, the ones on Wool Street
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
I recently traded in my manual transmission car for an automatic.
After a few recent posts, I now realize just how dangerous math really is.
I mean, just look at all those explosions after math!
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
My grandpa recently got a new chair for his stairs, but it frustrates him to no end.
He says it drives him up the wall!
What’s better than a Dad bod?
My friend recently confessed to me that he got his third nipple surgically removed.
He really needed to get that off his chest.
I recently staged an intervention for my religious feline addict.
Needless to say, he's not a Catholic anymore.
Did you hear about the recent dwarf survey?
It found 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
One of the founders of a large company called Aloecorp, Inc. recently got divorced
His wife is seeking aloemoney
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.
But upon further consideration he was gladiator.
I joined an origami club recently
They said, "Welcome to the fold."
My best friend quit sailing recently
Not long after, he took up drowning
Did you see the joke I posted recently about my spine?
I’ve been trying to pick up on German humor recently.
I recently found out that it’s mandatory for all nurses to carry a red crayon with them.
Just in case they have to draw blood
I fell in love with a broom recently.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
Our local florist recently expanded to take in the shop space next door.
Business must really be blooming.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
A recent finding by a statistician shows that the average American
Has one breast and one testicle.
I recently made a belt out of watches
It was a huge waist of time
My son recently got casted as a sheep in a play but was nervous about forgetting his lines
I said "Son you're just feeling sheepish"
It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.
Me and my friends recently started a space program.
Sadly, it didn’t take off
Wilford Brimley died recently. And it left me wondering...
...did he die a man? Or did he die a beetus?
My wife recently gave birth on the way to the hospital.
I was out with two friends recently. One of them asked if I can knot
Me: I cannot
Friend: ah so you can knot
Me: no I cannot knot
Friend: knot knot?
Other friend: who's there
I recently broke my iPad, so I decided I'll get a new one.
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
I recently found out that my spanish friend killed his cousin because he stole his train model.
Guess it is a pretty loco motive
I bought myself some new shoes at the shop recently
But I don't know what they have been laced with as I have been tripping all day
Anyone else noticing a recent influx of herb related jokes?
It is that thyme of year, I suppose.
I’ve recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She doesn’t know yet. But the thyme is cumin.
What do you call a Psychic Dwarf that recently escapes from a federal prison?
It's amazing how many large events have been cancelled recently.
It has been an unconventional year.
My friend recently starting doing a lot of baking.
This morning he brought me a pie, a cake, a plate of cookies, and a tray of brownies. And then he just left! I don’t know why he deserted me like that.
Unfortunately, my wife left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face...
(Adapted from a youtube comment)
Recently got a job as a waiter
It’s not great, but it puts food on the table
Recently, I've resigned from my position as a tunnel drill operator.
They recently arrested the world tongue twister champion
I imagine they'll give him a long sentence
My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.
They have been extremely up lifting.
My bed used to be on the floor but I recently bought a bed frame
I can honestly say the quality of my sleep is slightly above where it used to be
My father recently got a new tattoo
It was of a Thermos flask that he took to work
I was just checking it out closely, just then he said
"Hey, don't touch my Thermos tat"
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
So, my lawyer recently got arrested...
He was brought in for soliciting.
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles....
Recent studies show Earth’s magnetic field is weakening.
Current events make it less attractive.
All hail The Double Pun. Mic drop
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
I recently met with my therapist at the bottom of the ocean.
My child recently told me that their gender can't be expressed by an integer fraction,
I'm supportive but that just seems irrational.
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.
So far it’s a pretty sound investment.
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…
I recently gave a large sum of money to a corn farmer
It was a major stalk investment
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won't tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
My wife and I were recently hospitalized for very severe, persistent headaches. After a few hours of testing and waiting
I informed my wife that we had ourgrains
I’ve noticed recently that socks are costing less and less
Seems like the sock market has crashed
I recently found out that in most schools nowadays ...
Brass instruments are band.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
The poor willow in my backyard just broke one of its main limbs off.
Recently read that IBS can be hereditary.
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
My neighbor Jamal disappeared and they had no recent photos so they used a photo of his brother Juan.
Fortunately they are identical twins, so if you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack....
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
