I shat myself!
Turns out they just can’t accept the metric system.
Sorry! My fault.
They were speechless
Because she doesn't Amber Listen to anybody.
Dreadlocks.
There were red flags everywhere!
I will never be egg-cellent again…
So now I tell jokes to mom.
They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer
Unless you Count Dracula.
That crepèd up on me.
I am flab-bergasted.
Because they charge a lot
I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder
He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:
"Nice suit."
The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.
Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:
"That's a lovely watch."
Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:
"Great haircut."
The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:
"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."
"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.
"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.
A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:
"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."
So there was no pint anymore.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
He didn't want to run into his X
Now that I look back, there were a lot of red flags
I downed the first two pints in two gulps and then the 2 whiskeys in one go.. as I picked up the shot glasses the barman asked “what are you doing? why are you drinking so fast?” I replied “if you had what I had then you’d do the same!” The bar man replied “oh sorry I didn’t realise, what have you got? ” ….. I replied “only 50p!!”
That's the trouble with breaking a habit.
I’ve just realised I’ve had long covid since about 2001
went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
When I answered it she sighed and said, "I didn't make the plane."
"That's fine, honey," I replied. "You know nothing about construction."
But then I realised I only have a croc pot
Oh, chute!
....when I was the only one who turned up to band practice with a shoe horn.
By having a hot pocket.
Damn!
It's called What Sap.
...but then I decided to let it slide.
He was breaking out.
So I was on a first date last night with this girl I met on tinder. It was going great. We got to talking about our jobs and she said she’s a software developer. I was reaching over to grab the salt and ended up getting my hand in the pot of garlic Mayo. I then said to her “damn! I didn’t realise that was open sauce”.
Imo, what makes a good dad joke is saying it so frequently that everyone almost expects it when the situation comes up, so I thought it would be fun to share some of our favourite go-to, day to day situational dad jokes. I'll start (most of these work better out loud):
Mine: Someone else: we'll be there around 8.30, 9. Me: that's very specific, not 8.38 or 8.40??
My dad's: Whenever we drive past a look out point he'll yell in a panicked kind of way "Lookout!!"
My husband's: Pretending not to see people dressed in camo, eg if someone dressed in camo is walking a dog "is that dog walking itself??" Bonus points if the other person doesn't realise what you're on about.
My sister's: Saying "hi, Drangea" whenever we walk past a hydrangea bush.
The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts
that means everybody has Cake Day...
