My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J
J: You u should tie up your shoes
Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays
J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)
Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)
Conversation deviates
Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard
J: nah
Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables
My Aunt immigrated to the UK years ago and works as a teacher. I was talking about the difficulties of teaching my son Sight Words.
Aunt: That's interesting, I have never heard them called that before.
My Dad: Because over there they call them "Soit Wordz Bruv"
Go outside and ride your bike
I don't know if this counts, but we were just shopping, the self service scanner says someone will be with you shortly, man comes over, husband says "nice to meet you someone". Our daughter actually groaned and put her head in her hands
But it wasn't half as bad
Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. “But doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s a perpetual lotion machine.”
Because everyone would be at their worst half of the time, every episode would be “very special” and little, if anything, would end happily for the protagonists.
Last week, this gem was posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/
I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke.
Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados.
Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day.
But I have no Egrets
Don't waste your diamonds on a hoe
What a Gentle.... Moment!
My daughter who was helping, added some peas, ‘for pea-ness’ she said. Then fled laughing.
Mom: Why don't you use the trowel?
Me: Let's just call a spade a spade.
It was at a baseball game.
My wife: "That's what I was thinking in my head."
Me, opening my mouth to say someth-
My wife: "Shhhh."
She knew I was going to say, "Where else would you think it?"
Dad : do you want your blanket?
Daughter : I want my Frozen™ blanket.
Dad : Its a little cold for a frozen blanket, don't you think?
The dude is totally chill.
I was in my philosophy class yesterday and my professor was explaining about contradictions. He said,
"For example, something that's red can't be colorless. I can't think of any red thing that can be colorless."
The whole time he was saying this the 45 year old inside me was screaming, "a newspaper".
