The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

The Opportunist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I'm a realist.
πŸ‘︎ 244
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dishekie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2014
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My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I miss Cubs baseball so much that I asked my kid to build me a super realistic Wrigley Field in Minecraft.

She did a great job, because just like the real Wrigley these days, the only seats I could afford had blocked views.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.

He said, β€œIt must be drawn to scale.”

πŸ‘︎ 374
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.

The finale will be shot before a live audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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I was talking to a man with the most realistic glass eye today...

I didn't even real-eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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My family was talking about my sisters project where she had to make a Roman theatre. In it she put some guys stabbing each other, as a demonstration of how plays sometimes consisted of people actually killing each other to make it more realistic.

I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed.

He said: No, people were dying to have that job.

Sorry if something like this has already been posted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ytrbpt_Hsbom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I finally figured out the secret to painting realistic pictures of fish.

You must draw them to scale.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My friend is getting famous for his hyper realistic pictures of people enjoying different sporting events.

He really knows how to draw a crowd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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They finally did it! A realistic picture of the innernet:

https://imgur.com/gallery/m3baa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theatahhh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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What's the most realistic part of an origami car?

It has manifolds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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Ordered some bass in a restaurant, but I had to return it because the fish they gave me was full of diarrhea

Sick bass turds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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A man went to a restaurant and asked what the special was...

The waiter responded, β€œCow tongue. It is very tender and has great flavor.”

The man was very upset and said, β€œThat’s disgusting. I’m not going to eat something that came out of a cow’s mouth! Give me two fried eggs instead!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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I hope this counts.. first time posting.

Wife has been propositioning having a kid and I tapped into the dadness within.

Wife: I want a kid!

Me: you're in luck I happen to be at walmart

Wife: wut?

Me: well there is a very realistic toy that will cost me about 30 bucks... but there's a kid playing with it and I could snag her for about 20 years.

Wife: ugh...

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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