Real Stuff Puns

It's some real hard hitting stuff..

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

Now I only use the real stuff

I discovered that I was out of shampoo. When I went down to the breakfast table I told my family this, and that I had to settle for the real stuff instead.

I was making tea with lemon juice to clear up my congestion, and my wife wanted me to use the one real lemon we have but I wanted to use the plastic lemon container stuff. Eventually she got exasperated, put the lemon in my hand, and said "WHEN WIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMON TEA."

"They have sold over a billion of cans of this stuff. You could say it has made the company A LOT of dough."

Quote from Rick Harrison of Pawn Stars. I find it hard to believe that he is not the face of Dad Jokes. There are at least 5 per episode. I can only assume in real life it is more like 20 hundred bajillion per day.

It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke:

The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. "This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder." Then walked away as we all howled with laughter.

Hopefully post can be more frequent. I have considered writing this stuff down.

My mom was giving me grief about how she used to change my diapers and stuff, to which I replied 'watch it, I'll be changing yours in a few years'

Dad (from the next room): glad to hear you volunteer to to that. It's a real... load...off my back.

Me: that's a pretty... dumpy ...way to treat your son.

Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:

The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an “Ahh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, “No, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”

source

So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed:

Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet (Obviously not her real name.)

And my dad reads this, and says to her, "If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie?"

I was barbacking one night and the entertainment (two guys that are awesome at Beatles covers with piano and guitar/singing) were killing it that night especially..with a solid group of roughly 25yo's singing along and drinking with em between breaks. An older couple was on the other side of the bar all the while they played. So when they finish their last song and everyone claps the old gentleman gets up and says:

"Thanks for coming tonight guys, made it a real good time...If you guys need any help packing that stuff in your car...these young men will be more that willing to help you"

Had us all laughing.

...and I used the cheap stuff, but it looked real, so I thought maybe it'd fool her.

No such luck. My wife is so "counter-intuitive" due to her high "counter-intelligence" that it didn't matter how "counter-productive" I'd been, she took one look at it and just knew. So instead of taking it for "granite," she threw a "counter-fit."

(Proud dad. All the jokes in this subreddit sound like ones I would make...)

My friend's bf in high school was on his way to pick her up for a date. "I'll be right over," he said, "I just need to shampoo my hair!" When he arrived, my friend's dad asked him, "So, was that SHAM poo you put in your hair, or the real stuff?"