Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
π︎ 183
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
I rang my blonde g/f to tell her that I was staying home because I had bronchitis.
She said, "Awww, at least you have company. I wish I had a dinosaur."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I've just got some new glasses, and when I first put them on, I could see tiny little people with wings at the end of the garden. I rang my optician to report the problem, but he said it was completely normal with these glasses...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.
I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house
They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 06 2020
I rang a miner but he was busy...
He said: can I coal you back?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 09 2020
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but itβs been 45 minutes and they still havenβt turned up.
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 07 2019
Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.
The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jan 30 2019
I rang a local takeaway last night and asked βDo you deliver?β
They said βNo, but we do lamb, chicken and fishβ
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 05 2019
So you're telling me like the verb ring has second form rang and sing has sang, the verb think also works the same way? Well, no thanks.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 28 2019
So I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said "how flexible are you?"
I said "I can't do Tuesdays"
π︎ 64
π
︎ Oct 16 2017
My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner.
Oh great. More mouths to feed.
(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one.)
π︎ 180
π
︎ Mar 31 2015
My Dad just rang me to tell me this...
Dad: "Hey Son, real quick I gotta go to work but I wanted to tell you something first"
Me: "yeah sure what?"
Dad: "I refuse to believe, that my hard working father who has been a road worker for 50 years is stealing from the job, but when I got home, all the signs were there!"
click
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 29 2015
My Dad's phone just rang and he ignored it, I asked who it was...
Dad-"It was work"
Me-"That sucks"
Dad-"I'm like a fly, I'm always on duty!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 21 2016
As a kid, whenever my friends rotary phone rang...
...his dad jumped up into a boxing stance and said, "what round is it". For you kiddies, rotary phones sounded like a bell ringing.
Backstory, he often reminded us we were talking to the 1940 something pacific fleet middle lightweight champ.
He was a great guy and I miss him.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 21 2013
whatβs the worst thing about a job at a shooting range?
if youβre promoted, youβll still be fired.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
What range does a Grizzly sing in?
π︎ 35
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldnβt get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
π︎ 30
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Open range
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
All my jokes seem to lack in range.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
π︎ 90
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
Mountain ranges aren't just funny...
π︎ 35
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I once knew this guy who hated all high-range instruments.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Grocery humour
After she rang through all my items, the cashier at the grocery store asked βis that everything.β I replied βno, but I canβt afford everything.β
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
What car is a rancher most likely to own?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
What did the non-binary prospector say when they saw the mountain range?
I bet thereβs gold in them/their hills.
(Shamelessly stolen from danimidwest on tiktok)
π︎ 63
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Bonnie Tyler's new range of biscuits have received good reviews
They're good dunkers, but every now and then they fall apart
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 09 2020
These comments where from a clip where someone cleaning at a foreign range almost gets hit by a stray bullet
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 15 2020
My friend tried opening up a driving range to compete with Top Golf.
Not sure if he pulled it off but I know it took a lot of balls to do it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
Michael BublΓ© has released a new toiletries range
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Tag-und Nacht
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
What do you call it when an old Australian person tries to contact you but you have to return the call?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
How can you dry a mountain range?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
I can never choose what I want; they have such a rye range of bread!
π︎ 87
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked βDid you condition her?β
So I said βyeah, I rang a bell and then fed herβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Why is a T-Rex not good at long range shooting?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
Somebody just called me average.
π︎ 148
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Far Cough
Had to visit a mall today. As I was standing on the escalator, someone coughed behind me. I turned around and noticed he was very near. We all know if you need to cough, you must cough far away. So I told him to FAR COUGH. And thatβs how the fight started
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
What do you call a British guy when he has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent
Tried posting in Dad jokes sub and I guess it was the wrong place for a triple pun.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Who makes the best musical range cookers?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
A group of German geologists recently made an interesting discovery within a mountain range of northern Italy
The team unearthed a layer of rock tessellations resembling a violin as viewed from behind.
As of yet they have no name for this strata variance.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 12 2020
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldnβt make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
π︎ 352
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it wonβt work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jul 04 2019
I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldnβt get my gun to fire.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 28 2019
Mountain ranges aren't just funny..
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
