Junk food.
(credit - my daughter)
"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.
And said, "Sorry, everyone is allowed only one piece of carrion."
Because they said I was entitled to 10 kgs of carrion luggage
He would probably cost you an arm and a leg
She said, "That's how it seams"
What do you know, you’re full of it!
A Raguun!
rabbis.
Me: "Dad, I just saw a raccoon!"
Dad: "Did it have a mask on its face?"
Me: "Yeah, it did!"
Dad: "Then how do you know it was a raccoon?"
I said lets stop, get its tail and she could bring it in for show n' tail.
She slowly lowered her head and face palmed.
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
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The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A vulture tried to board a plane carrying two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant stopped it and said, "Sorry, we only allow one carrion."
A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carion is allowed per passenger. "
My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.
Dad friend responds back to back.
"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"
"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."
"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."
We were in a blind (basically a camouflage tent or stand for those of you that may not know) and I asked him for a stick to move the spiders and he replies, "Why? They are just hanging out!"
About thirty minutes later, we see a raccoon eating corn he had set down earlier that day. This conversation followed:
Me: What do raccoons eat here?
Him: Corn.
Me: ...And when there isn't corn?
Him: People.
For those that are curious; no, I didn't move the spiders.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, you're each only allowed one carrion."
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
