[OC] A Fun Fact About Raccoons
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What do raccoons eat?

Junk food.

(credit - my daughter)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyelandIsland
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says:

"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Why do raccoons get fat?

Because their diet is trash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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A vulture boarded a plane carrying 2 dead raccoons. A stewardess stops him...

And said, "Sorry, everyone is allowed only one piece of carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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I one brought a dead raccoon on a plane

Because they said I was entitled to 10 kgs of carrion luggage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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It would be pretty expensive to take care of Rocket Raccoon

He would probably cost you an arm and a leg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exzelt8042
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife "Does that raccoon know how to sew?"

She said, "That's how it seams"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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What did the taxidermist say to the stuffed raccoon during an argument?

What do you know, you’re full of it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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What do you call a raccoon covered in pasta sauce?

A Raguun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terry2691
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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What do you get when a Jewish raccoon bites you?

rabbis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrfurcht
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Lame Pun Raccoon Visits Vatican City
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hokie_Wartooth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2013
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I told my Dad about the raccoon I saw.

Me: "Dad, I just saw a raccoon!"

Dad: "Did it have a mask on its face?"

Me: "Yeah, it did!"

Dad: "Then how do you know it was a raccoon?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ctrl_L
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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My 12yr old daughter saw a dead raccoon on the way to school this morning,

I said lets stop, get its tail and she could bring it in for show n' tail.

She slowly lowered her head and face palmed.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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A vulture tried to board a plane

A vulture tried to board a plane carrying two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant stopped it and said, "Sorry, we only allow one carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudkipz1956
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Bad Dad Joke Friday Winner

A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carion is allowed per passenger. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krissyfer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done

My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.

Dad friend responds back to back.

"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"

"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."

"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Army90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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My dad said these when we were hunting.

We were in a blind (basically a camouflage tent or stand for those of you that may not know) and I asked him for a stick to move the spiders and he replies, "Why? They are just hanging out!"

About thirty minutes later, we see a raccoon eating corn he had set down earlier that day. This conversation followed:

Me: What do raccoons eat here?

Him: Corn.

Me: ...And when there isn't corn?

Him: People.

For those that are curious; no, I didn't move the spiders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrimsonMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, you're each only allowed one carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOgree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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When birds of prey fly...

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pastorjeff2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
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