A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says:

"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
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A vulture boarded a plane carrying 2 dead raccoons. A stewardess stops him...

And said, "Sorry, everyone is allowed only one piece of carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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Why do raccoons get fat?

Because their diet is trash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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I one brought a dead raccoon on a plane

Because they said I was entitled to 10 kgs of carrion luggage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitiamedved
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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It would be pretty expensive to take care of Rocket Raccoon

He would probably cost you an arm and a leg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exzelt8042
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife "Does that raccoon know how to sew?"

She said, "That's how it seams"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFifthStep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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What did the taxidermist say to the stuffed raccoon during an argument?

What do you know, you’re full of it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, you're each only allowed one carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOgree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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What do you call a raccoon covered in pasta sauce?

A Raguun!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terry2691
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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What do you get when a Jewish raccoon bites you?

rabbis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrfurcht
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Lame Pun Raccoon Visits Vatican City
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hokie_Wartooth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2013
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I told my Dad about the raccoon I saw.

Me: "Dad, I just saw a raccoon!"

Dad: "Did it have a mask on its face?"

Me: "Yeah, it did!"

Dad: "Then how do you know it was a raccoon?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ctrl_L
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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My 12yr old daughter saw a dead raccoon on the way to school this morning,

I said lets stop, get its tail and she could bring it in for show n' tail.

She slowly lowered her head and face palmed.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2017
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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A vulture tried to board a plane

A vulture tried to board a plane carrying two dead raccoons, but the flight attendant stopped it and said, "Sorry, we only allow one carrion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudkipz1956
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Bad Dad Joke Friday Winner

A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, sir. Only one carion is allowed per passenger. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krissyfer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2015
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Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done

My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.

Dad friend responds back to back.

"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"

"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."

"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Army90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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When birds of prey fly...

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pastorjeff2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
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My dad said these when we were hunting.

We were in a blind (basically a camouflage tent or stand for those of you that may not know) and I asked him for a stick to move the spiders and he replies, "Why? They are just hanging out!"

About thirty minutes later, we see a raccoon eating corn he had set down earlier that day. This conversation followed:

Me: What do raccoons eat here?

Him: Corn.

Me: ...And when there isn't corn?

Him: People.

For those that are curious; no, I didn't move the spiders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrimsonMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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