I once wanted to read a publication about aquatic mammals...

but it remained a book with seven seals to me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeastronaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about starting a publication for bookworms who enjoy jokes about food coloring

I'll call it Readers Dye Jest

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Donald Trump’s favorite news publication?

The Wall Street Journal

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cloud707
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a teacher that would never break wind in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
I like to pretend that I have Tourette Syndrome so I can cuss in public. Today I went wild on a crowded elevator.

Yeah. It was wrong on so many levels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
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I don’t really publicize the fact that I’m Thor’s brother.

I keep it low-key.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-MEGA-O
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
What do bees do when they have to use public transport?

Wait at the buzz stop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
I felt uncomfortable with my wife giving me dirty looks in public

So I had to ask her to clean her glasses

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
Why can’t an egg speak publicly?

He cracks under pressure

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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How are chiropractors and public relations specialists alike?

One is a spine doctor and the other is a spin doctor, but both give things a new twist!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the teddy who got arrested for public indecency?

He was a little bear.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0LL3CT
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruzenu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Masks are the new Bra

They're uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, and when you don't wear one everyone notices

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckarooBanzii
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tutor

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Throwback to when I found this vacant billboard in public
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greengo122
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Public Service Announcement: In order to meet the energy budget for 2020....

the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Thank you and have a nice day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you use toilet seat liners in public restrooms?

Or do you not give a crap

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platformjuan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that a car full of garlic, ginger, and lemongrass ran a red light in the middle of the city, injuring tens of people?

It was a fragrant disregard for public safety.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbwaeguk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I know it's a public health thing ... still getting pretty tired of this Korn teen
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotyememesplz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Egyptian Council Leader: the public transport in Cairo is terrible.

Egyptian Transport Secretary: We need a new bus

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to delay the inevitable by locking himself in a public bathroom...

He stalled for time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
People who go out in public without a mask make me sick.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bacchus213
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is whispering in public a bad idea?

Because it's not aloud.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brother_p
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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What do you call bread that doesn’t want its name out in the public

Anaanymous

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dallasboi1992YT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.

So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her Cagey B.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't believe the lights in the public bathroom went out

now i can't see Jack shit

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yesterdaddy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Story: Lasting after effect of COVID-19

True story. Happen about 2 hrs ago.

Back trying. My wife and I both work in the medical field. She runs hospital employee health dept, and I’m the dental director for a public health agency.

My wife had Covid-19 in January. We were talking about the long term, later effects of Covid on people’s health.

Wife: I wonder what the residual effects of Covid-19 are. My left ear hasn’t been right since I had Covid.

Me: Well of course not.

Wife: Why? What have you heard?

Me: Well your left ear can’t feel right. It’s your left ear.

Wife: God, why did I marry you 33 years ago?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret β€˜stache.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kfizzle217
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas.

I'm going to call it IP in Pools

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fraction that was arrested for drinking whiskey in public?

He pled the fifth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Farmers notice : Public access to this field and footpath is free.

.. But the Bull charges.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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People who dislike breadfeeding in public are not haters.

They're just tired of breasts being milked for all its worth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/latinrprince79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to start a conversation in the public restroom...

but everyone was occupied

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Persons1001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost got my SO to hit me in public. imgur.com/61IB7wz
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think it worked out
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainyeeet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the teacher never fart in public?

He was a private tutor.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report

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