I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Those who cry professionally,

Give a whole new meaning to good mourning.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-fuhrer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to ride a light toboggan for one or two people professionally...

But then I overheard people calling my a luger behind my back so gave it up. I'm a veteran of luging.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I had my photo taken professionally for the first time.

I hope they give it back.

Edit: it has been brought to my attention that this joke was in fact made in a thread that gave me the idea. So I must shoutout to u/i_make_dadjokes as the rightful owner. Sorry that I didn’t catch this earlier.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rizzlebrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it failed miserably.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight ?

Thy probably don't like each other.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.

It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a professional and experienced drug overlord is called ?

Propablo Exobar.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrAzY_1aZy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do positively charged particles have in common with professional sumo wrestling teams?

They're both protons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fecalfettucine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve considered becoming a professional horse groomer.

It would be a stable job

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/designerd101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I became a professional fisherman...

But discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do referees in professional rugby always give penalties against chickens?

Because they always award against professional fowls.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RasberryOnline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do some types of healthcare professionals only care about themselves?

Because they're nurse assists.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hysnbrg4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Professional librarian.
πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashthesharma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Professional procrastinator
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sci_man_scimon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...

I work with beet boxes and I wrap!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anelion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon delivered my new Ninja professional blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...

It keeps giving me mixed results.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My dream of becoming the first professional boxer/pirate were crushed....

The boxing commission said my right hook was illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call medical professionals who don't feed their patients after an overnight stay in the hospital?

Doctors without boarders.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is a professional skydiver.

He really throws himself into his work.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...

my comedic tie, Ming."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy who did my urinalysis made way too many jokes to be a professional

It was a complete pisstake

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tasty69Toes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the professional bowler who was also a gymnast?

She did splits well!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog decided to become a professional at barking

I think I'll get him a subwoofer

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotTooSavage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Ordering pizza with my 3 year old.

Me: do you want ranch or blue cheese? 3yr old: ranch is for horses

Little guy Caught me off guard lol

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjorazi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.

He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rajdhagat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to hire a group of professional hackers

To antagonize a local QT and mess with their registers. That way I can get a snack, wait in line and every five minutes say, punctually, "Man, this quick trip is taking a long time."

It'll be my entertainment for an afternoon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brydaro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Hats off to all the doctors and health care professionals
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harami_nobita
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/du_bekar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope it does
πŸ‘︎ 745
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stont753
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to make a joke about a professional Boxer

But he blocked my punch line

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper7509
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Security professionals advise to never use β€˜beef stew’ as a password

It isn’t stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 413
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-m-meeseeks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Brain freeze

My dad is a health care professional and recently had a patient that has been β€œhuffing Freon for the past 18 years.” His response?

β€œI wonder if he gets really bad brain freeze.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/got_any_3s
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.

I had some big shoes to fill.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How much money do professional ice skaters make in a year?

Eight figures but unfortunately they can't access it because their accounts are frozen.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Steve Tyler has quit the music business and become a professional fletcher...

His shop is called Arrowsmith.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WarningOutOfMind
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a medical professional who has lost it way?

Psycho The Rapist

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/havocprim3
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
It would be impossible to host a professional hide n seek tournament

Since good players are hard to find

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-k_i_l_r_o_y-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I dreamed of becoming a professional fisherman

But I found out that I couldn't live on my net income

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TehFuriousKid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is organizing a professional hide-and-seek tournament hard?

It's hard to find good players.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KomodoJo3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...

I work with beet boxes and I wrap!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anelion
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it was a complete disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be a professional fisherman

Then discovered I couldn't live on my net income

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My idea of a professional Hide and Seek tournament failed miserably.

Good players are hard to find.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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