I almost qualified for the national curling team

But I slid out of contention.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Lynn's nurse at the vaccination centre recently qualified for a sport in the Tokyo Olympics. What sport is it?

Javelin

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shreya_shree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
As a newly qualified vet, I'm now allowed to treat animals.

Yesterday, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Which vegetable is the most qualified?

Qualiflower

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wasabimohmayahai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.

So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m making an app to find qualified electricians in your area

It’s called wattsapp

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Your_Uncle_Gubsy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
There's one field that I am highly qualified in.

Unemployment.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
As a sewage tech, I am well qualified for government work...

I have lots of experience in waste management.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I am not qualified to tell dad jokes,

I am not apparent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HaroerHaktak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this qualifies as dad joke, but anyways here I go: I had to strongly disagree with a friend who accused me of being a severe fence-sitter

Then again, I get where he’s coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musikcookie
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Does this qualify as a decent pun?
πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poorkchopz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Does this qualify?
πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaystiredgirl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I tried to get a job at a general labor temp agency but was told I didn't qualify.

I am only cleared for leiutenant labor.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.

wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SocialPerformer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The moment I learned that β€œphα»Ÿβ€ is actually pronounced β€œfuh,” I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phở restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as β€˜racy wordplay’ than it does β€˜punny’?)
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/70M70M
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm no linguist but it does qualify as a pun
πŸ‘︎ 281
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nxcrosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Sam, don't sing, we're going deaf
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LamborghiniBottle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of a doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A FIZZician

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsAzizaGoatinsky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a child, so I feel like I qualify....

Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:

Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.

Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/margraves
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm new here, but I'm fairly certain this qualifies as a dad joke.

A few days ago, my friend went to one of those outdoor gear shops, looking for a few things to prepare her for a canoe trip she was going to take. While there, her mom wandered away into the next aisle over. My friend sees her mom leave, looks at her dad and asks, "What is mom doing in the tent aisle?" Her dad responds, "Shopping for a dress."

πŸ‘︎ 442
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jelly_sandals
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Not sure if this qualifies. . .

My dad says Pika just before he sneezes every... single... time...

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisman17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
So yesterday I made what I'm pretty sure qualifies as my first official dad joke. And I'm not even a dad.

Me and this girl I'm seeing were walking around the mall and we decided to go to Hot Topic to kill time. Walking around we saw some car fresheners with band logos on them and my gf picks one up and says "hmm I wonder what Nirvana smells like?"

Without hesitation I answer "Teen Spirit"

It was the most perfect joke set up ever and I don't think I'll ever top it. It was my magnum opus. I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
We went to a national park yesterday and they told us at the gate that there's no drug or alcohol in the park

I told them that it was ok, we brought our own.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mesoposty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I think this qualifies as a dad joke

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eMLcNMeU-Q

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainKappa14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Not entirely sure this qualifies

I'm leaving the house and my dad says he'll close the door for me.
He asks: it's supposed to get cold tonight are you going to bring a jacket?
Me: no I'm okay.
Him: doesn't the bus stop get cold?
Me: I don't know, ask the bus stop.
We burst out into the happiest family laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gosutag
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Not a dad but I think this qualifies
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billthebeast1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Hanging in my school library
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bodhi_Snolbert
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I think this may qualify, even though it was before I was a dad, and it wasn't really a joke.

'Interactive lecture' in a Systems Engineering class (not that that's relevant) when the Assistant Professor starts directing questions to the students to move forward in the lecture material.

Settles on me and asks me a pretty straightforward question that I started overthinking and got all deer-in-the-headlight-y.

Fancies himself some sort of comedian so he quips "C'mon, I'm throwing you a softball (question)."

To this I come up with an immediate response: "I don't play softball."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LickItAndSpreddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes

She hugged me

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/santilfu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
God's Sake Dad (x-post from /r/cringepics)
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/huckingfipster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
🚨︎ report
What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/and69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My son gets really excited when we go to the natural history museum. When he gets near the prehistoric bones, he just explodes with excitement and I can't deal with is new strength.

I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leniski1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Understanding Disney Villains

I really think Disney Villains are misunderstood. You have to respect how they pursue their passions. They usually have henchmen or β€œemployees” so I’m guessing there’s a compensation system in place and they are managing a budget to fund all their evil campaigns. And what business model did they have to follow? Was there an Ursula before Ursula? I don’t think so. These villains are business visionaries and they deserve such respect.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sesmith420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a couple that practices natural family planning?

Suddenly qualified to tell dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dukeofgibbon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I could never raise livestock. But my nephew can.

He’s farmer qualified.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JMackOnBass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trying to assemble ikea furniture..

I screwed it up !

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My son kept asking my daughter, β€œwhy?” over and over and over. It was driving her crazy!

I said, β€œSon, stop Socrates-ing your sister!”

They actually seemed to like this one so I’m not sure if it still qualifies as a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forceblast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
If the US and Canada cant come to an agreement on NAFTA, we are in trouble. Transfer speeds are going to plummet

Without a US BC connection.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Glen_Chervin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
This is posted on the door to the lactation room at my wife’s school:

https://i.imgur.com/lhwU9ee.jpg

Not quite a dad joke, but I think it still qualifies. Feel free to remove it if not.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa-heph
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How many ears does it take to change a light-bulb?

One, as long as it's a qualified electrical engineer.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sandysingssongs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
If Weird Al wasn't weird he'd just be called Norm Al
πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamianG
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.