Amtrak employees are more like to be struck by lightning than any other profession.

Because they are good conductors

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Badjokechip
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YayGettel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Working in a mirror factory is a profession

I can see myself doing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 47
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cpt_pickle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What profession do dogs specialize in?

Roofing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Man_busch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
More and more people are taking up horse breading as a profession

Apparently it's a very stable career choice.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/moejike
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Apparently being a hitman is a great profession...

I hear they make a killing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TaterRae94
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.

So they're pretty much all one-liners.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HunterSwan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Wade Wilson changed profession and got a new nickname:

He is now the taxidriver known as Carpool.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/midy-dk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My late Dad was a seismologist by profession but sadly..

..He could never pin down a steady job.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My asian friend is pretty popular among his profession of being a chef.

He's a wokstar

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/U4gotmycheese
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A door to door salesman knocked on my door and before I could say anything he said, "A person's regular occupation, profession, or trade..."

Just from the first sentence, I knew he meant business.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Prototype273
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Spider lists its profession on social media

Web Designer

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kill_Them_Back
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Cross profession
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/faix_pass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If dogs could have a profession, what would they be?

Roof-ers!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AxXB1ZXxB
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why are Pirates in the best profession?

They just arrrr!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheRealMustardCat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My brother was arrested for stealing a car. I told him he should change professions.

He took it badly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/boogerknows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™ve been considering changing professions to become a hitman recently.

I hear they make a killing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrumSpace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is the most notorious profession?

That of a notary

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fantasneeze
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Studies have shown that, out of all professions, doctors are the calmest.

They rarely lose their patients.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/comforttrap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
As a mail processor, my father was very innovative in his profession.

He really pushed the envelope.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hibdob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why are restaurant servers the luckiest profession?

Because good things come to those who wait.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mahare
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why was Axel Rose having financial problems in his first Profession as a Doctor?

He needed some more Patients.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pbredd
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What profession has the best muscle memory?

Marine Biologists!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yoursweetlord70
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is the perfect profession for narcissists?

Architect. Because they'll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ottodidakt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...

He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Amart1985
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?

A Cairo-practor

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Being a musician is a sound profession.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/8Fractals
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What profession will make you twice the man you currently are?

A Maleman...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WB55Florida
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts โ€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!โ€

Cashier 1: โ€œWhat do we do?โ€

Cashier 2: โ€œDo what he says, I think he means business!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Titsonafish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DiamondChocobos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I had a job as a postal worker...

where I worked with lots of men, it was a MAIL dominated profession.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youtellmebob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad said my friend shouldn't become a funeral director

It's a dying profession

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bread-Crunchy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Be nice to your hot water heater repairman please,

Itโ€™s often a tankless profession.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WagonsNeedLoveToo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I hired a prostitute yesterday.

Her interview went well and I don't judge people based on their previous professions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sodomicity
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Say you call a man from Tooting, a Tooter.

The term for farting often is to "toot", and his profession is a tutor.

So, if this man from Tooting is farting at work... you can say that a Tooter is tooting in Tooting whilst tutoring.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/faisaltreshah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I should clean mirrors for a living.

It's a profession I can see myself in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/keithasaurus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m a professional critic

Name a profession

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jhabibs
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didnโ€™t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxerโ€™s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasnโ€™t hiring me for my looks and I wasnโ€™t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - thatโ€™s me. Private Investigatorโ€™s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and thatโ€™ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

โ€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,โ€ she began.

โ€œPlease, call me Maxโ€

โ€œAlright, Maxโ€ฆ well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?โ€

โ€œNo thatโ€™s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,โ€ I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, โ€œIโ€™m sure itโ€™ll be a brief case.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnnyohnny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My fiancรฉe and I were watching the olympics together this morning

" Did you know that Chiropractor is the most prevalent profession in Ukraine?"

"Hmm, I had no idea"

"Yeah, it's 'cause when you live there you crane your neck a lot"

eye roll

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Overheard this while picking up lunch today...

Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.

The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?

The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"

Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"

Well done, sir.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/redditaccount314
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Thought of this while Skyrimming

Man, that's such a selfish profession.

Boyfriend: What is?

Mining.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/internettiquette
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
On his job as a funeral director

My mom and dad are funeral directors, and we live in an apartment on top of the shop.

I was at a friends house yesterday, and my dad came around to pick me up. The friends house is like far out into the woods, so it's kinda hard to find, but he got in on the first try. So I got in the car and this conversation happened:

 

Thanks for picking me up, glad you could find the place.

>No problem, it's what I do for a living

??

>I get called up in the middle of the night, get in my car and drive to some house I've never been to before

...

>Then I pick someone up who needs my help, drive them all the way back to the shop and feel that I've done something good this night.

 

He's the only person I know that is able to joke around this much about his profession. It's pretty darn cool!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TehEmperorOfLulz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad's response to most questions.

My dad always responds to a yes or no question in the same exact way when it involves a server or any other profession. For example:

Waiter: Would you like to see the dessert menu?

Dad: No thanks, I'm driving.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JonathanCutrona
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 43
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/professorf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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