Shush I'm watching the comedian

Oh wait i mean the president

Creds to my dad for that joke

👍︎ 6
💬︎
📅︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Julius Caesar was coming out of McDonald's. Brutus asked him if he liked the burger.

Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."

(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)

👍︎ 158
💬︎
👤︎ u/vforvegas
📅︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Affirmative Action is heavily debated...

Because it isn't a black and white issue

👍︎ 37
💬︎
👤︎ u/Drmakneeo
📅︎ Nov 22 2016
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➡

👍︎ 67
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the tallest man in the world if he was really 10' 4"

He said, affirmative

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/hotsprings1234
📅︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
On a cloudy night on Christmas Eve

Santa asked Rudolph to let him know if it was going to rain. Rudolph sniffed the air and affirmed that it was going to rain. Surprised, Mrs. Claus asked Santa “How did Rudolph know it is going to rain?” “Because” replied Santa “Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/Tmarkcha117
📅︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A Triple Crown Winner?

Affirmed!

👍︎ 2
💬︎
👤︎ u/xwhy
📅︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
"Dad, my friend and I have nothing to do"

Dad stops woodworking and says "Okay, then look at this", and holds up a saw in the air. "Do you see it?" he says.

The two kids were puzzled, but affirmed it.

"Good," the dad said, "now you two have a see-saw."

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/thefizzynator
📅︎ Mar 25 2016
🚨︎ report
My first dad joke worth sharing.

My son asked me if I had any tissues left. I asked him if used the ones in the bathroom up as well. When he responded in the affirmative, I dropped this one on him:

"You really blow through this stuff, don't you?"

👍︎ 77
💬︎
👤︎ u/hanktheskeleton
📅︎ Nov 24 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by my in laws

I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes.

My sister in law pipes up with: "Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: "Mhm" "Yep" "Okay"

With which my brother in law chimes in "There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me."

👍︎ 15
💬︎
👤︎ u/LucidWuggeh
📅︎ Jul 03 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.