The folks at Jack Links really have their beef jerky making processes down pat...
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︎ Jan 22 2019
Are you supposed to pull over for a funeral procession?
Of corpse, please come to a dead stop.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Before Pterodactyls evolved, dinosaurs could only process information in Pgigadactyls
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Iβve started an organization that grants scholarships to former armed services individuals that want to become animal doctors. Grantees are awarded based on an interview process.
I call it βBest bets for vetting vets for vetsβ
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︎ Oct 01 2020
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN
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︎ Jul 23 2020
To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
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π
︎ Nov 02 2020
I'm in the process of adjusting the clocks in my house
Now all my rooms but the kitchen sync.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
I received an email today from the owner of a German sausage processing plant, he said I could have it for only 1000β¬
I agreed and wired him the money. Whatβs the wurst that could happen?
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
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︎ May 15 2020
Thought process for this one was particularly long winded
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︎ Sep 28 2019
I told my wife I want to give up my high paying computer programming job to become a farmer. Astounded, she asked, βWhy in the world would you want to do that?β I replied,
βItβs a growing industry.β
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I created a Linux background process for the Message Analysis Test Tool.
I call it the MATT DAEMON!!!
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I read a very interesting ancient Egyptian blog post describing the embalming process
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︎ Jun 30 2020
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
The chemist who created the periodic table was stumped during his process of developing the table. Suddenly, he realized:
He was missing a key element the whole time
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︎ May 12 2020
My wife asked me, βAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?β
I said, βActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 14 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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π
︎ May 06 2020
Since impeachment is an entirely political process...
Will public opinion sufficiently Schifft through these proceedings??
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︎ Sep 26 2019
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say...the steaks are high.
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︎ Nov 02 2019
Losing weight is a piece of cake
See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!
Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!
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π
︎ Nov 02 2020
Herbal essentials
Noted researcher Rosemary Fuller was involved in a lab accident today. She's working on the theory that herb-based formulas can actually reverse or accelerate the aging process. Parsley, for example, has been shown to cause rapid aging, and recent efforts have shown good results with oregano-based anti-aging serums. Ms Fuller was, unfortunately, standing near a vat of simmering oregano serum when a nearby researcher nudged her and she fell in! It appeared at first that the anti-aging serum would cause her to de-age down to nothing. Now, though, it looks like she'll be all right. The Parsley's aged Rosemary in time.
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︎ Oct 13 2020
I canβt stand people who say data we all know itβs pronounced...
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︎ Jul 02 2020
A friend of mine was discouraged that they couldn't come up with dad jokes. I told them anyone can make dad jokes, you just have to stretch out the thought process a little father.
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︎ Aug 07 2019
French zombies are impervious to wooden stakes. You have to stab them with baguettes...
... which is a pain staking process.
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︎ Oct 04 2020
I don't always take phone calls from shady processed meat salesman.
When I do its usually a Spam Risk.
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︎ Dec 12 2019
Learning to walk is a multi-step process
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︎ Oct 20 2019
Walking up stairs is a multi-step process
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︎ Jul 28 2019
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring process!
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Frequent nap taking slows the aging process.
Especially if you take them when you are driving.
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︎ May 27 2019
If anyone could just reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape.
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︎ Mar 16 2018
Can someone help me with a joke?
I think I have something here, just need a little help with the ending. This is what I have so far.
In the interrogation room, Joe Ga pleaded with police to let him go. He explained the man they are really after is Joe Ka, who has been systematically committing crimes and calling out his own name in the process knowing how similar they sound.
"This is all just a setup, the real Joe Ka is..."
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︎ Sep 21 2020
"How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process"
Step 1: take off your glasses
Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'
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︎ Mar 02 2019
I've discovered the exact process by which a woman becomes a thot, but I'm having issues explaining it.
No one can follow my thot process.
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︎ Dec 19 2018
My friend asked me about the process of colonoscopy.
Me: forget it...its a pain in the ass.
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︎ Jun 29 2019
I just finished a great documentary about the process by which metal sheets are fastened together with steel bolts.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 10 2019
A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after heβs been processed.
When he gets to the place where heβs supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. βIf you need to shoot just say βBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'β he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where heβs supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. βIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, βSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'β he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where thereβs a battle raging on.
Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, βBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!β Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, βSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!β They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, Iβve become unstoppable.
So when he sees his next foeΒ way off in the distance, he shouts,Β βBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!β at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazedΒ adversaryΒ nextΒ and goes βSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!β Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothingΒ happens. βWhy wont you drop?β the guy says. The enemy soldier knocks him down andΒ responds, βTANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK!β
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︎ Apr 23 2019
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
π︎ 16k
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︎ Apr 20 2019
What is the process by which cells do not replicate
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︎ Feb 11 2019
Do you know the god who is in charge of the aging process of humans?
He is called as the MANAGER.
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︎ Aug 01 2018
The process of adding puns to a sentence should be called puntuation
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︎ Aug 29 2018
What do you call a long, painful casting process for movies?
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︎ Mar 03 2019
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 14 2019
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.
The process is a little painstaking.
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π
︎ Oct 20 2020
If someone could just reverse the process of making wine...
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︎ Jul 31 2018
There's an email going around offering free processed pork gelatin and salt in a can, if you get this email, do not open it!
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π
︎ Sep 27 2018
My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"
I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"
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π
︎ Jul 27 2020
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