Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

πŸ‘︎ 583
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
i got this as a birthday present and thought this sub would appreciate a good music pun
πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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The past, present, and future walked into a bar...

...it was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_oddballwoofwoof_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
They really PRESENTED these jokes
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StickyBoygg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChumpsLand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnblu5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
In present times not many people name their son Lance

But in medieval they were named Lance a lot

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DinkyOreo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: But you are the lawyer? Me: Then where’s my present?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbedlamp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Dig a hole in me tonight
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
It is a distinct privilege to present this award to the inventor of the zero-wheeled car.

This could never have happened without his tireless effort.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meester_beeggie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r0b3rt1c0
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Which musician gives the nicest Christmas presents?

A wrapper.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear_porridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Presenting, Elon Mask
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_PR0T0STAR_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the most current Samsung that is presently available?

Samsings

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I present to you...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djnipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I see we're doing long ones - he's one of mine from a while ago... Presenting: Boris the Horse. /r/Jokes/comments/9c7h87/…
πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 347
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Santa got Coronavirus this year so Mrs Claus had to take over toy production, orders, and present deliveries.

Sleigh Queen

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
They seem high tech
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaGamer3921
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A monk goes into a pizza shop

A monk goes into pizza shop and says β€œCan you make me one with everything”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue.

It's intense tense in tents

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halfs2010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best worm for wrapping presents?

Tape worm

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/husbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
In my graphic design course, we all had to make typefaces inspired by our favorite US cities, and present them in class.

We all knew that at some point, we’d have to discuss the LA font in the room.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuecoTanks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I once gave a presentation on Boron.

It was a real snoozer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maddmannmatt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sitting in an interrogation room says β€œI’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”

The policeman says β€œYou are the lawyer!”

β€œExactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stvbckwth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw my son snooping around where we've hidden his christmas presents

And he found out he got coat

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says β€œoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said β€œI don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruum-502
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting a

Flying Saucer

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Frenchman say when presented with the finest mattress?

"That's lit."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuicidalNomad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A penis shaped lollipop isn’t a real present...

It’s more of a gag gift.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SenorMeeseeks27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I present you bROCKoli.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flying-thundercat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are snowboarders so good at doing presentations?

Because they always use slideshow!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flaxsee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.

You can say.....it’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you think your father's day present sucked

Wait till to hear what Matt Gaetz got!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FredwasaGoodDog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When we moved into my new house, our next door neighbour presented us with a bunch of logs for our fireplace.

It was ...a house warming gift.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present, Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clout-Nine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar

Things got a little tense

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The past,The present and The future entered a bar

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Onowl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do trees never get Christmas Presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WilliHam1218
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanAhJustSay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pomfritten__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man in an interrogation room says, β€œI’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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