At first I couldn't get it, but it's coming back to me now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.
You are really smart!!
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
I'm so good now I can do them two at a time.
I am much safer with my usual anti social distancing.
He was arrested in a sting operation.
My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be.
Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday.
Me: But I don't like the name Thursday...
From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad.
I think that will help me a lot in the long run.
Dad: Careful with those black keys!
Me: What? Why?
Dad: They are sharp!
I was becoming too attached to it
After all, they have to pass the bar.
He hit a really impressive shot. I looked over and said, "Wow, that one would've been deadly."
He looked at me with a serious expression and said, "Was it enough to make you.. quiver?"
girlfriends cat ate about 5" of the string to tie off one of her dresses, it was partway out of the cats rear end when she got home from work- saw it- called vet- was told to take her to the local animal hospital.
So we get there and shes explaining to the receptionist what happened, I dropped them with a "we're just in knots about it", and during the wait with a "sophia's (the cat) really stringing us along with this one". My favorite was with the doctor when she finally brought the cat out saying she seems ok to take home- "well all set then? no strings attached?"
We were at The Contemporary resort in Disney World waiting to be called for our breakfast reservation, when my wife points out this scale model of a Disney cruise ship. We walk up to it and I say "wow, would you look at that! It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be, though..."
My wife rolled her eyes. Our first is due in April.
We were on the way to church and my wife asks me how she should wear her shirt? My reply was,"Any way you want it, but it would look pretty silly as a hat."
So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.
My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"
I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"
She did not find it as amusing as I did.
He told me to keep it up
My wife has been keeping me updated on her progress and told me, "It's 12 weeks today and my uterus moved!"
I asked, "Did you get the security deposit?"
My dad walks in and asks "If you khachaturian...
...what do you do with it?"
Me: "What do you want for dinner?"
8 year old (smart-ass just like his father) child: "I want food for dinner."
Me: (glares at husband)
Husband: giggle
We were at the beach yesterday and I see an area that says "Emergency Ramp". However, there was no ramp in that area so I say: "I didn't see the ramp".
His reply: "But did you see the emergency?"
Driving with my wife, saw one of those cell towers disguised as a tree. I point at it and said, "look hun, a phony tree!"
She said, "a what?" then looked at it and look back at me. I repeated "it's a phony tree!" A second or two later, eyes rolled follow by small groan.
Of course, a smile on my face for the next minute or two.
(Me and co-worker discussing him moving into my apartment complex this weekend)
Me: Well are you sure you can mount a TV on it? One of the largest walls in my living room is poured in place concrete. Can't hang anything on it.
Him: Yea i checked its a stud wall. I just need to go out and get a stud finder.
Me: Just come over and borrow mine if you'd like.
Him: Actually I should probably just use [my wife], she's pretty good at finding studs.
queue: groans from myself and all surrounding co-workers
I am a mail clerk at a huge office. I dropped this while delivering boxes today:
Me: (Knock Knock) Hey Karen, I've got something for you. (Hand her a box.)
Karen: OOO What is it?
Me: Its a box.
Karen: Ughh...
Classmate: I'm glad everyone else is altos. I just have to keep up with you.
Me: Well I'm a hotbed of treble.
silence
Son: "Make me a triangle!" Me: "Poof! You're a triangle!" Son: Blank stare
Soon son...soon you'll be groaning! :)
We've been sleeping with a humidifier because, between the winter and the pregnancy, my skin feels incredibly dry. This morning, I told hubby I didn't think the humidifier was working well because I still felt mummified.
Hubby: You are. pokes me in the belly You're "mommy-fied."
He then walked away chortling.
God help this child...and me. :)
Client: this building looks horrible I wouldn't be surprised if there was asbestos everywhere Me: hey we are doing as bestas we can!
My friend and I were arguing about the difference between "alfalfa hair" and a cow lick.
After a few minutes of debate I said "Let's not split hairs about this"
What's the best part about being a unicyclist?
I'm never two tired!
So my girlfriend was doing some readings from her law textbook, and I was looking over her shoulder reading the thrilling book.
Me: "WHO's the World Health Organisation."
Her: "Ha. Ha."
We have a cat that always seems so upset when we kick her off the furniture, and tonight my wife said "I hate doing that, she takes it so personally". I said "she probably takes it catally". The confused look on her face during the 5 seconds of silence, before she finally said "oh" and rolled her eyes, was great.
Back when I was younger I had a Canadian friend who had little kids. I came over one day and there was a blanket over the dining room table.
"What's that?" I asked.
"Oh," he said, "the kids are playing blanket forts. That's their table fort, eh?"
"Ah," I said, nodding wisely.
We went into the family room and they had a blanket over their sofa. My friend said, "That's their sofa fort, eh?"
Then we went into the living room. They had a blanket over the piano.
