I have just found the Catholic version of pay per view.

The pay per see.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnykelly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?

Punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tippopotamus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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I’m starting to make a robot that has a really high words per minute.

He’s a pro-to-type.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnchartedQuasar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Not a pun per se, but thought that it belonged here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatShanksguy09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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When sending files through email to my students I never send more than one per email

Soo they don't get two attached

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Udjasen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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$3.50 per slice in Jamaica and $4.00 per slice in The Bahamas

are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AV15
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"

Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road at 100 miles per hour?

Because she was a fast mother clucker!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Which state has the most streets per square mile?

It's Rhode Island.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?

Tentacles

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SunnyStryder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilbrent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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As a woman I consider myself to be wife material. You know how much you have to pay per yard for wife material? About a house and a yard!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HollyDaze420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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[OC] A elder duck hunter: β€œSon, if you are not meeting your quota of 100 ducks per day,

you are probably aiming too high.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/citizenvane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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β€œYou’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”

β€œI’m a Watt?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorgray
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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Bust out the 808 (mg sodium per serving?)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captaininvengo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I'm kind of sad...

...I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorkla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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Why do Smurfs only live one Smurf per house?

Because despite their houses' appearance, they don't have mush room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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So for the past several days, I've been sending my friend a dad joke per day. I hoped at least one would make him laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echopse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2015
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So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction

They’re calling it coleslaw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilP1xel
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I was flapping my arms once per second for all of yesterday

and now it kinda hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemonthighs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My son said his teacher said to drink 8 glasses of water per day, and I told him it’s not possible. He asked why? And I said...

We only have 5 glasses in our house

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_tupperwhere_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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A new guy called "Per" at my job sat next to me

I said "Hi Per, Hi Per!". Then he left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KJs2310
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Is this a pun, per se?

Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with herβ€”waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβ€”she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, β€œOmigod I’m as big as a house!”

And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:

β€œWell, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”

I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)

Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad says he worked 6,475 hours per week.

925 every day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second?

A bull-ette.

(A joke my son said, being posted by the dad.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dsws2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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I playfully punch my girlfriends arm once per second.

And then I said "Hertz, don't it?".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SniffingSharpees
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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What city has the most mages per capita?

Manaheim

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dijburger
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
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I told my Dad that I was downloading a game at 4.5 Megabytes per second.

"The last mega bite I heard of was a sandwich shop."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ACrowComeOver
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2016
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Per volume semen costs more than blood because sex cells.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingGorilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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WWE decided to stop John Cena pay-per-view events in the United Kingdom.

Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him.

Ba dum tss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebadconsultant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2016
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Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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Grocery stores often show the price per ounce to make it easy to compare prices

If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
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Can an electrician here help me reduce the power to our stereo by 4 joules per second?

My kids keep listening to a song and apparently want me to make it a little quieter, or "turn down 4 watts"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawkline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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Not a dad joke, per set. Dadism?

I was attempting to explain the concept of dad jokes to my own father. He didn't get it. "So it's just people making fun of dads. I don't like it," he said, "how about we make fun of nerds?"

"Ok," I replied, "lay one on me."

"Alright. you're a nerd."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EU3isbetter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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I tried blinking more times per second.

But it Hertz my eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayniaan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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Wet Dream - Kip Addotta - Highest number of fish puns per minute. youtube.com/watch?v=6l1Gv…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsevelt007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2011
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You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorgray
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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