Punchline
He’s a pro-to-type.
...so that’s just being hippocritical...
Soo they don't get two attached
are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
Because she was a fast mother clucker!!
It's Rhode Island.
Tentacles
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
you are probably aiming too high.”
Because despite their houses' appearance, they don't have mush room
“I’m a Watt?”
They’re calling it coleslaw.
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
Dongrats bro!
We only have 5 glasses in our house
...I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.
and now it kinda hertz.
I said "Hi Per, Hi Per!". Then he left.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
Almost 10 years ago now when my daughter’s mom was pregnant with her—waddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to pop—she looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, “Omigod I’m as big as a house!”
And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:
“Well, baby girl, if you’re a house then you’re my dream home...”
I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldn’t stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)
Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.
925 every day.
A bull-ette.
(A joke my son said, being posted by the dad.)
And then I said "Hertz, don't it?".
"The last mega bite I heard of was a sandwich shop."
Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him.
Ba dum tss
So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.
Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niño, el niño, el niño
It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niño, el niño, el niño
Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm
The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niño, el niño, el niño
If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.
My kids keep listening to a song and apparently want me to make it a little quieter, or "turn down 4 watts"
I was attempting to explain the concept of dad jokes to my own father. He didn't get it. "So it's just people making fun of dads. I don't like it," he said, "how about we make fun of nerds?"
"Ok," I replied, "lay one on me."
"Alright. you're a nerd."
But it Hertz my eyes.
