The farmer had a prized bull. It bred 300 times per year.
The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful, dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how..." The farmer replied "Yeah, he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."
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︎ May 22 2021
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
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︎ Apr 25 2021
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I have just found the Catholic version of pay per view.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Not a pun per se, but thought that it belonged here
π︎ 362
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︎ Jul 01 2019
Iβm starting to make a robot that has a really high words per minute.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...
...so thatβs just being hippocritical...
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︎ Apr 28 2020
When sending files through email to my students I never send more than one per email
Soo they don't get two attached
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︎ Mar 17 2020
$3.50 per slice in Jamaica and $4.00 per slice in The Bahamas
are the pie rates of the Caribbean
π︎ 19
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︎ Jul 16 2019
Officer: "Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour?"
Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
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︎ Jul 07 2019
As a woman I consider myself to be wife material. You know how much you have to pay per yard for wife material? About a house and a yard!
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︎ Dec 01 2018
Why did the chicken cross the road at 100 miles per hour?
Because she was a fast mother clucker!!
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︎ Nov 17 2019
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
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︎ Apr 02 2019
I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I'm kind of sad...
...I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.
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︎ Oct 17 2015
Which state has the most streets per square mile?
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 22 2019
βYouβre 1 joule per second, Harry!β
π︎ 50
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︎ Oct 11 2018
You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
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︎ May 21 2018
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 01 2019
Amazon is selling oysters on the half shell (144 per case). Thatβs just gross.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 09 2019
[OC] A elder duck hunter: βSon, if you are not meeting your quota of 100 ducks per day,
you are probably aiming too high.β
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︎ Mar 25 2019
So for the past several days, I've been sending my friend a dad joke per day. I hoped at least one would make him laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
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︎ Aug 17 2015
Bust out the 808 (mg sodium per serving?)
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 20 2019
Why do Smurfs only live one Smurf per house?
Because despite their houses' appearance, they don't have mush room
π︎ 10
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︎ May 09 2019
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
Theyβre calling it coleslaw.
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︎ May 06 2019
I was flapping my arms once per second for all of yesterday
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 18 2018
My son said his teacher said to drink 8 glasses of water per day, and I told him itβs not possible. He asked why? And I said...
We only have 5 glasses in our house
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 25 2019
Is this a pun, per se?
Almost 10 years ago now when my daughterβs mom was pregnant with herβwaddling miserably towards the tail-end of her third trimester and about ready to popβshe looked forlornly at her figure in the mirror one day and announced, βOmigod Iβm as big as a house!β
And so I, the Rico Suave motherfucker that I am, popped my head up from the book I was reading on the bed and responded thusly without missing a beat:
βWell, baby girl, if youβre a house then youβre my dream home...β
I thought our relationship was my rock on which we would build one hundred stories, but there were termites in the foundation. Unfortunately she ultimately turned out to be a mobile home that couldnβt stay tethered to a single lot for more than a few years at a time as, a short time later, she up-and-skedaddled from our lives and has been a deadbeat mom to our little girl ever since. (My daughter and I built a beautiful, cozy little bungalow-for-two anyways.)
Anyway, does that qualify as a pun, or just an extended metaphor? If not, sorry, I just always thought that was a good line and I wanted to humble-brag a bit.
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︎ Mar 31 2018
A new guy called "Per" at my job sat next to me
I said "Hi Per, Hi Per!". Then he left.
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︎ Feb 19 2019
My dad says he worked 6,475 hours per week.
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︎ Nov 17 2017
What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second?
A bull-ette.
(A joke my son said, being posted by the dad.)
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︎ Aug 13 2015
I playfully punch my girlfriends arm once per second.
And then I said "Hertz, don't it?".
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︎ Dec 10 2015
What city has the most mages per capita?
π︎ 3
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︎ May 16 2015
I told my Dad that I was downloading a game at 4.5 Megabytes per second.
"The last mega bite I heard of was a sandwich shop."
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︎ Dec 22 2016
Per volume semen costs more than blood because sex cells.
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 16 2014
WWE decided to stop John Cena pay-per-view events in the United Kingdom.
Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him.
Ba dum tss
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︎ Jun 26 2016
Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California
So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.
Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o
It doesnβt show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o
Weather patterns donβt seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm
The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o
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︎ Dec 24 2015
Grocery stores often show the price per ounce to make it easy to compare prices
If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 14 2016
Can an electrician here help me reduce the power to our stereo by 4 joules per second?
My kids keep listening to a song and apparently want me to make it a little quieter, or "turn down 4 watts"
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︎ Jan 01 2015
Not a dad joke, per set. Dadism?
I was attempting to explain the concept of dad jokes to my own father. He didn't get it. "So it's just people making fun of dads. I don't like it," he said, "how about we make fun of nerds?"
"Ok," I replied, "lay one on me."
"Alright. you're a nerd."
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︎ Jan 07 2015
You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
π︎ 42
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︎ May 21 2018
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