Percent Puns

But one pun in ten did.

But one of every pun in ten did

I guess you can call me an eightheist

Luckily I'm part of the 3%!

They need their quarter back

It’s only one percent.

He won by ten percent.

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange:

"Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!"

I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.

"What percent?"
"I'm about 80% sure."

Cause it was the minimum age of percent.

Because no Jewish woman will touch anything that isn’t twenty percent off.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

95% percent of people don't notice when you replace a word with an instrument.

My son and I were in Lids picking out a nice hat for a Christmas present. We wanted to see one on the top rack so the employee grabbed her little hook tool to grab it. Well, she dropped it on the floor... I told my son "I think we can get it for dirty percent off!" My son smirked and laughed just barely but started saying no dad, just no. I was pretty proud of myself!

I said “a,e,I,o,u and sometimes y that was easy babe.”

The look on her face I’m betting will be the same as when I say this stuff to our future kids.

I guess they're a small percent of the population here

?

rule 6 compliance section: >!It's an aluminum-shelled resistor. The person trying to escape would be a resistor, but would be put in a car, which are about 9 percent aluminum, if this shitty article I found online is to be believed: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/under-the-hood/auto-manufacturing/5-materials-used-in-auto-manufacturing3.htm the car would be the metal shell.!<

>!also I found online that walking at 5 km/h takes around 100W of energy, so I went with 200W because I figured trying to escape the police while prone probably takes around double the effort.!<

He said he can make the sale but has zero percent interest

My interviewer said, “Woah there, are you nervous” I cooly replied, “I’m not nervous, I just always give 110 percent.”

Me : Yeah, 100 percent

Every time I ask for "two percent milk," they give me at least ten.

30 percent said their ass was too small

10 percent said their ass was too big

And 60 percent said he was just right

The Yuan Percent.

3.14 percent of all sailors are pi rates.

Most are in the nyanty nyan percent.

Whenever I say a complicated sounding word my Dad, about 90% percent of the time, replies with "Bless you!". Usually followed with laughter to himself and a slap on the thigh.

Anyone else?

Why should you never trust a cell?

Because they make up everything.

I'm 100 percent sure somebody has thought of this before.

I always tell her the awesome jokes that I find here and other places. She rolls her eyes ninety percent of the time, as one would expect.

Well the other day I was going up an escalator and got zapped by static electricity-

Me: Ouch!

Her: Aww, it must be because you're such an electri-cutie

I was so proud, it nearly brought a tear to my eye.

Dad: "If your dad has brown eyes and your mom has blue eyes, what's the chance of you having brown eyes?"
Me: "75 percent"
Dad: "And what's the chance your eyes go opposite directions?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Dad: "One in four, because one blue east and one blue west!"

So recently I started playing Xcom : Enemy Unknown with my friends via screenshare, and everytime I had a 100 percent chance to hit,

Every time,

I would say "Pretty good odds, if you ask me."