Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Big_Green_Grill_Bro
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2021
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My wife got really mad at me for stabbing a vampire to death today

I guess I was supposed to give them candy because it’s β€œHalloween”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ebrow9
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 04 2021
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The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.

Only ewes can prevent florist friars.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/silverjaydog
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 01 2021
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Never Challenge Death to a Pillow fight.....

...Unless you are prepared for the Reaper Cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 29 2021
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A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.

At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/moreton91
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 19 2021
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The Death was Shocking to be honest
πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Other-Dog4673
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2021
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My girlfriend's walked out on me, saying she's sick to death of my healthy, but boring diet.

Never mind though, plenty more fish in the freezer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2021
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Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange

He goes by Darth Trader

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 13 2021
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I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

πŸ‘οΈŽ 151
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2020
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I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease

We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

Our first single is "Bread or Alive."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 77
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/scrranger11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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What happens when you listen to a Death song 1,000 times?

It becomes a Megadeth song

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sandstar115
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2021
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I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.

It was, after all, a Capitol offense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..

It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AhSparaGus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
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A Brush with Death
πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/butlerbert23
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 11 2020
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Breaking: LEGO man gets squashed to death.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2020
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What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?

Manslaughter

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?

They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fitz_cuniculus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 06 2020
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When the White Death loaded his rifle...

The Russians were Finnished

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2020
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Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.

It's been reported he could have done with another coat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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[OC] death goes grocery shopping
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fyahspreadit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 17 2020
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Maths is fun. It teaches you life and death info...

Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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Some consider owls to be symbols of death.

Especially mice.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FlamboyantFlower
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.

"Ma'am you son dried "

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fighting_astronaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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Death came for my soul today

Thank god I was in the living room when he came

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 22 2020
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What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?

My Korea is over

πŸ‘οΈŽ 315
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fredvanvleetsr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2020
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Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
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Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor

Β« What is the best death according to you ?

  • I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.

  • Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?

  • Like my grandfather’s friends.

-Why ? How did they die ?

-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. Β»

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheTinou
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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I heard people are blaming imaginary evil spirits for Micheal Jackson's death.

Guess they're blaming it on the boogie.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Aniketraghav7
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2020
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On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say β€˜may he rest in pees’
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 22 2020
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A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians

It was a bombshell

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MRTJ115
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2020
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A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...

"in vivo lost vagus"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VeryOriginalName98
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 23 2020
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Did you hear the sad news about the free-solo rock climber that fell to his death?

It’s a real shame because he was such a down-to-earth guy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mikebailey1979
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 01 2020
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Till death do us rock
πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 01 2020
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What did Death begrudgingly tell Jesus before his resurrection?

"Oh, get out of my scythe!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rubbergnome
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 16 2020
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight!

Unless you are ready to handle the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Holy_Kynon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2021
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Never start a pillow fight with Death...

...unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jfshay
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 19 2020
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 30 2020
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to face the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 67
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 29 2020
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2019
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