Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
My wife got really mad at me for stabbing a vampire to death today
I guess I was supposed to give them candy because it’s “Halloween”
The Franciscan priest left the monastery to start a flower shop, but before he could open, a flock of sheep in the village got loose and trampled him to death.
Only ewes can prevent florist friars.
Never Challenge Death to a Pillow fight.....
...Unless you are prepared for the Reaper Cushions.
A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.
At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.
The Death was Shocking to be honest
My girlfriend's walked out on me, saying she's sick to death of my healthy, but boring diet.
Never mind though, plenty more fish in the freezer.
Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Our first single is "Bread or Alive."
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection
the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"
What happens when you listen to a Death song 1,000 times?
It becomes a Megadeth song
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
Breaking: LEGO man gets squashed to death.
What’s it called when you tickle a man to death by accident?
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
When the White Death loaded his rifle...
The Russians were Finnished
Sad to report the death of the founder of Dulux paint. He died this morning from hypothermia on top of a mountain.
It's been reported he could have done with another coat.
[OC] death goes grocery shopping
Maths is fun. It teaches you life and death info...
Like, when you're freezing, go and stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees there.
Some consider owls to be symbols of death.
A man is found dead in the desert. Cause of death appeared to be dehydration. The police go to his mother's house.
Death came for my soul today
Thank god I was in the living room when he came
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.
After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.
Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor
« What is the best death according to you ?
-
I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.
-
Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?
-
Like my grandfather’s friends.
-Why ? How did they die ?
-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. »
I heard people are blaming imaginary evil spirits for Micheal Jackson's death.
Guess they're blaming it on the boogie.
On my death bed I’l request to be moved to a tub full of pees just before I die so people can say ‘may he rest in pees’
A report just came out exposing how the government's mishandling of an explosive object could've caused the deaths of hundreds of civilians
A man in a drug trial died from a complication which dissolved his pneumogastric nerve, the coroner listed the cause of death as...
Did you hear the sad news about the free-solo rock climber that fell to his death?
It’s a real shame because he was such a down-to-earth guy.
What did Death begrudgingly tell Jesus before his resurrection?
"Oh, get out of my scythe!"
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight!
Unless you are ready to handle the reaper cushions.
Never start a pillow fight with Death...
...unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you are prepared to face the reaper cushions.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
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