Don't worry, I've got a congealed wepon permit.
πŸ‘︎ 297
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KajiraVixen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
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The Edo Period of Japan did not believe in concealed carry permits: they preferred to Shoguns
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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There’s no loud laughing permitted in Hawaii.

Just a low ha.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What's your opinion on permitting coastal birds to smoke weed?

As I for one think that we should Seagullize Marijuana

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cnuttyforehead
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Do you wanna hear a joke about construction

Never mind I’m still working on it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I give out drivers licenses for snow plows

...weather permitting

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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I'm not permitted to open the side panel of my PC.

It' glassified.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Velociraptor45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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How do programs get permitted for iPhones?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGAR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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Damn right

Under the current guidelines your milkshake is only permitted to bring 9 boys to the yard, max.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I went big game hunting, but I couldn't bring all my trophies home.

The airline only permitted one piece of carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadCash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...

...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theposshow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend asked if we could see the bay while we were in Virginia

I told him he could have Chesapeake of it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordoFallo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Rocked this one while waiting for number to be called at DMV

Son's taking permit test today and while waiting to be called we watched some "interesting" facts they put on the tv screen.

Son points out, hey dad look Nevada's official state rock is Sandstone.

Me: I feel they could have made a boulder choice.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SFAQL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive a car?

She was never Permitted.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GEEZusChristman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents moved into the house today

So my parents got their occupancy permit, and my dad said "you should pick up a bottle of champagne on the way so your mother and you can celebrate!" I said "I'll bring a bag of bread, so we can have a toast"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Help me make dad jokes about my imaginary Inuit wife!

I was complaining about having to buy several permits today and told my girlfriend i was moving to Alaska to get away from "the man". She asked if my new Inuit wife would let her visit, I came up with:

  • she can hold it while i put inuit

  • we could work out a deal where we get to pay each other a visit on a regular basis like when you win the lottery and get an innuity

  • you 2 could share lingerie if you think you could fit inuit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itchyd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My best friend is only 24 but an honorary dad-joker for coming out with this gem...

What's green and lets you do stuff?

Permit the Frog.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axisundone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
🚨︎ report
A vulture at the airport

Last week I was flying home from a business trip out of Dallas/Ft. Worth. I'm in line waiting to board and in front of me is a vulture. He's dragging a squirrel carcass behind him in one hand and a dead possum in the other. The line is moving pretty quick until the vulture gets to the ramp and winds up in an argument with the guy scanning tickets. The attendant at the gate says to the vulture, "sir, you are only permitted one piece of carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllUrMemes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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I've never known if my Dad was being a troll, or a Dad

I was driving with my permit and my Dad was in the passenger seat. He is notoriously good with directions (and at the time I was unfamiliar with our whereabouts), we are approaching a dead end stop sign (I can only turn left or right). I proceed to ask my dad about 30 yards away from the intersection if it was faster to go left or right (to our destination) he simply replies "yes."

Anytime I bring it up now he just chuckles and changes the subject.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TooMuchJokes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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my dad's christmas present

So my dad just got his concealed weapons permit recently so for Christmas my step mom got him a new pistol. Since she didn't want to wrap a handgun, she printed out a flyer from Cabela's and taped it to a stray dumbbell weight to disguise it and wrapped them up in a small box.

When my dad opens the box, without missing a beat he coolly says, "Oh, look! A new pistol with the mandatory waiting period...."

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glevino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report

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