It's-a me, patio! (from r/nextfuckinglevel)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punderants
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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My downstairs neighbor complains that whenever I eat Doritos on my porch, it gets all over him on his patio. As usual, he's exaggerating.

He just has a chip on his shoulder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Quarantine day 25: Found my husband working on the patio with his scroll saw. Yes. It's a scale model.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cynthiaimprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What do you call a restaurant patio that’s only open sometimes?

A periodic table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MansNotHot772
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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Today, my dad asked me if I could help him build his paver patio. He said if I couldn’t help, he would ask an Irish guy he knows.

Patty O’Paver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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My wife is upset that I got a hemp mat for our patio.

She claims it’s a gateway rug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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My neighbour built a patio on his flat roof and now he sits and stares at us in our garden.

He’s a total terraceist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_smartypants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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I was at the garden centre the other day. I said, "Can I have three chairs for my patio please?"

He said, "Why, what's so special about it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StinkyWeezle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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My friends and I were sitting outside a patio at a local bar...

One of them was talking about some drama with her boyfriend and she says, "I just hate being in the dark". Without missing a beat, I point at a lamp and say "Well maybe you should sit under that lamp. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation."

I no longer have any friends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TROLOLUCASLOL
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2015
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Friend posted about a bug in the patio.

http://imgur.com/460aIXT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_diego
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
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My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I personally am on the fence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yarnell3131
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patio furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigchiefoomau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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What’s Irish and stays outside all year?

Patty O’Furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/britterzl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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What’s Irish, stays out all summer and goes inside in winter?

Patio Furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marasydnyjade
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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True Story About Owl Nutririon

True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.

Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.

Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.

Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.

Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Q:What's Irish and sits by the pool

A: Patio Furniture! (Paddy O'Furniture).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tableshade12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Dad joked the dad

I was helping pops hang decorative patio lights and I asked him "if I took those lights out of your hand, would you be de-lighted?" He was quite proud of me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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Mark was sitting outside waiting for bowel movement

The area was called consti-patio.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnCassidy83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2016
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So my dad told me he was going to Lowe's..

"What are you getting there?" I asked.

"An Irish guy," he replied.

"What?"

"Patio furniture!"

"...what?"

"An Irish guy! Patty O' Furniture!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MitchManGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2015
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Pulled this one on my mom today

Relaxing on the patio today, mom wanted me to dig her a hole so she could put a plant in it.

Mom: "Can you help me dig a hole?"

Me: "I'm relaxing now, how about a half?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notsferatu
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
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Grandfather visiting is always a good time.

My grandfather came over today, and looked out at our back porch.

He paused and said, "I see you have a new patio chair. Oh! And it's Irish cousin, patio grill."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTapedHamster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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While driving down the highway with my dad...

...we spotted an old restaurant that had "PATIO" written on the front. Someone had defaced it by stealing the first letter.

Me: Look, Dad, that restaurant has an 'atio!

Dad: Looks like someone really had to take a P.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corkmaster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2014
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Got Dadjoked while working at Home Depot

I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture:

Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden.

Customer: (Looks at my apron and points.) I thought your name is Chris!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MedStudent14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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Caught me by surprise

Me and Dad watching my 1 year old play on the back patio.

Me: I don't understand why she keeps putting those rocks in her mouth. That can't taste good.

Dad: No, but they sure do last a long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ourtomato
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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One of the many sensational jokes my friend's dad threw at us one night

My friend and I were skateboarding on his back patio one night with his dad sitting outside with us. My friend's board slipped out from under him causing him to fall and call out, "Ahh, my knee!" To this his dad replied, "Was it your low knee or your high knee?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrizeInside
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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I got both my parents with one today!

We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.

Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"

Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaitlinsRoses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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The more I thought about it, the funnier it got.

Went outside to the patio where my dad was smoking a cigar.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No. I got all of them cut."

ba da bum .. tiss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simply_existingg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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Pulled a fast one on my dad.

My dad and I were building a patio for our neighbors. Said it right after I put the last paver in.

Me: Well it looks like this patio is set in stone. Dad: Oh you're a funny guy aren't you?

I have learned from the best.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/civ5ftw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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When Dad helps you Move

A week ago I just purchased a condo. After closing my parents met me at the empty condo, and we had lunch. While waiting for the locksmith to rekey the locks, we moved in a patio loveseat and 1 camping chair, and put them temporarily in the main room for us to sit. Everything else would be moved in the next day.

Locksmith comes, and while he is working on the back door we sit down. My dad turns to me and says "You've got enough money to pay the locksmith." The locksmith pauses and looks at me as I say "Yes". Dad then says:

"I'm proud of you for being able to get this place. And don't worry, I'm sure one day you'll be able to afford furniture."

The locksmith looks uncomfortable and moves to a different door. My dad then just starts laughing uncontrollably. I just stare at him in shock, it was so well delivered. And hey! The locksmith gave me a discount as he felt sorry for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jadeoracle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patio Furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DVD90
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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What’s Irish and sits on your porch?

Patio Furniture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kekesupreme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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What's Irish and stays out all winter?

Patio furniture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarsHuntress
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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