He just has a chip on his shoulder.
A periodic table.
Patty O’Paver.
She claims it’s a gateway rug.
He’s a total terraceist.
He said, "Why, what's so special about it?"
One of them was talking about some drama with her boyfriend and she says, "I just hate being in the dark". Without missing a beat, I point at a lamp and say "Well maybe you should sit under that lamp. Maybe it will shed some light on your situation."
I no longer have any friends.
http://imgur.com/460aIXT
I personally am on the fence
Patio furniture
Patty O’Furniture
Patio Furniture
True story. My wife feeds a number of squirrels on our patio in back of our house. Has done this for years.
Coming home from the grocery store today, this was our conversation.
Her: The other day I saw an owl land in a tree near the back of our house. So I made noises to make the squirrels run and hide.
Me: Well, I'm sure the owl is just looking for three squirrel meals a day.
Her: GROAN...! I can't believe I set you up like that!
A: Patio Furniture! (Paddy O'Furniture).
I was helping pops hang decorative patio lights and I asked him "if I took those lights out of your hand, would you be de-lighted?" He was quite proud of me.
The area was called consti-patio.
"What are you getting there?" I asked.
"An Irish guy," he replied.
"What?"
"Patio furniture!"
"...what?"
"An Irish guy! Patty O' Furniture!"
Relaxing on the patio today, mom wanted me to dig her a hole so she could put a plant in it.
Mom: "Can you help me dig a hole?"
Me: "I'm relaxing now, how about a half?"
My grandfather came over today, and looked out at our back porch.
He paused and said, "I see you have a new patio chair. Oh! And it's Irish cousin, patio grill."
...we spotted an old restaurant that had "PATIO" written on the front. Someone had defaced it by stealing the first letter.
Me: Look, Dad, that restaurant has an 'atio!
Dad: Looks like someone really had to take a P.
I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture:
Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden.
Customer: (Looks at my apron and points.) I thought your name is Chris!
Me and Dad watching my 1 year old play on the back patio.
Me: I don't understand why she keeps putting those rocks in her mouth. That can't taste good.
Dad: No, but they sure do last a long time.
My friend and I were skateboarding on his back patio one night with his dad sitting outside with us. My friend's board slipped out from under him causing him to fall and call out, "Ahh, my knee!" To this his dad replied, "Was it your low knee or your high knee?"
We were out in their patio, and my dad points to a small stray tomato plant, that somehow sprouted up a few feet from the large group of tomato plants they have.
Dad: "What should we do about that volunteer tomato plant?" Me: "Maybe you should start paying it!"
Commence my laughter, and my dad groaning, and my mom ignoring me.
Went outside to the patio where my dad was smoking a cigar.
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No. I got all of them cut."
ba da bum .. tiss
My dad and I were building a patio for our neighbors. Said it right after I put the last paver in.
Me: Well it looks like this patio is set in stone. Dad: Oh you're a funny guy aren't you?
I have learned from the best.
A week ago I just purchased a condo. After closing my parents met me at the empty condo, and we had lunch. While waiting for the locksmith to rekey the locks, we moved in a patio loveseat and 1 camping chair, and put them temporarily in the main room for us to sit. Everything else would be moved in the next day.
Locksmith comes, and while he is working on the back door we sit down. My dad turns to me and says "You've got enough money to pay the locksmith." The locksmith pauses and looks at me as I say "Yes". Dad then says:
"I'm proud of you for being able to get this place. And don't worry, I'm sure one day you'll be able to afford furniture."
The locksmith looks uncomfortable and moves to a different door. My dad then just starts laughing uncontrollably. I just stare at him in shock, it was so well delivered. And hey! The locksmith gave me a discount as he felt sorry for me.
Patio Furniture
Patio furniture.
