So I said “yeah, I rang a bell and then fed her”
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
So I decided to just cut to the chase.
The steaks were getting pretty high
That there are a lot of towns named after their water towers?
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately. How can I tell? When I see that the Tide is High.
Don’t know if this counts as a dad joke.
so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?
.
There are more geese in that line
Nice touch.
It’s okay now all it needed was a repost
that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
...and then the coffin stopped.
I felt a little out of the loop on that one
It was ....the worst case scenario.
He has thyroid rage.
Jesus swept.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
It means a lot to them.
He took notes
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.
Now give me my 7 upvotes
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
It was completely desserted.
Have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
They were the lamb-ulance
Hurry, Cain!!
It’s the weekend immune system.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
I thought, “Same shit. Different day.”
I thought, “Wow, that’s odd.”
Sea son's greetings.
Apparently it’s a dying art.
Seems like the sock market has crashed
Everytime things went wrong, she yelled 'order order'.
I have no idea why he hates bees so much.
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
I said: “I’d rather wrestle for it”.
I should have known better than to make week sauce.
Her job performance was de-creasing.
I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.
..it's a brand new Rolex."
