An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there

"For excessive drinking" the officer replies So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/st_jimmy_02
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I asked a guy in a pub if he wanted a game of darts. He said โ€œOK, nearest the bull startsโ€. ...

He went โ€œBaaaโ€ I went โ€œMooooโ€ He said ok you start.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cwwspurs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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How do you know where your nearest source of electricity is?

By their current location.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SteadyingRuck
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Itโ€™s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back

I guess it just runs in the jeans

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Routine_Palpitation
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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The Roman army never fell. They instead moved to the nearest star system.

They became the Alpha Centurions.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sir_Pluses
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?

Because the IRS has no cents.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MSchmahl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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What is a spacecraft chock-full of microbes sent to populate the nearest planetary system?

A probe-biotic.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FernandoLH95
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2020
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

โ€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?โ€

โ€œItโ€™s simple, maโ€™am.โ€ he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. โ€œIโ€™m surprised you havenโ€™t discovered for yourself.โ€

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

โ€œYa see, maโ€™am? The real_jokeโ€™s always in the condiments!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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A criminal in Tokyo, Japan lost the police by escaping to the nearest mountain.

He is now a wanted Fujitive

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AWACS-Thunderhead
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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I attempt to throw my empty Pepsi can into the nearest bin reddit.com/r/Jokes/commenโ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ort0810
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2019
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If you're ever cold you should find the nearest corner...

... it's always 90 degrees there.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Salsa_Czar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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Dad jokes: now showing at a theater nearest to you.

The year was 2007. The movie Reign Over Me was showing in theaters, so my family made our way down to the theater. My dad moseys his way on up to the ticket counter,

Dad: Can I have four tickets to that show... What's it called... Something about the weather?

Ticket Counter Woman: (blank stare)

Dad: Oh I know, I'll have four tickets to Water On My Head.

Ticker Counter Woman: (more uncomfortable blank staring)

Dad: Oh I'm sorry, I meant REIGN ON ME!

Cue more blank stares from the ticket sales woman.

The fact that I still vividly remember that joke, more than all the others, 7 years later kind of amazes me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Krofosho
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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What is Bruce Springsteen's Address?

0 Thunder Road

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mr_Poopy_Poop
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2021
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I read this really good book

it was called your nearest toilet by Anita.P

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yeetingturnip
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2021
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A rabbiโ€™s car broke down

He had to walk ten miles north to the nearest town. By the time he arrived he was famished, so he ran to the nearest diner and asked for the quickest meal possible. The server arrives and gives him a plate that was meant for a delivery, the rabbi eats most of the food and after heโ€™s finished he realizes he didnโ€™t know what he ate. Scared, he asks the server โ€œIs this pork?โ€ The server says โ€œNo, iss lamb.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WavesNVibrations
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2021
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Oman! Youโ€™re about to read some terrible stuff.

โ€œI live in Spain without the โ€˜sโ€™โ€.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

Itโ€™s about to Bahrain jokes without the โ€œBahโ€.

  1. I have a double China without the โ€œaโ€.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the โ€œanโ€.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the โ€œJโ€.

  5. You probably canโ€™t Kuwait to stop reading these without the โ€œKuโ€.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As youโ€™ve probably guessed, I donโ€™t even have one Nepal without the โ€œNeโ€.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the โ€œDenโ€, of course.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anipanreads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BlankPhotos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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If you make dad jokes, what language do you speak?

Pun-Jabi

proceeds to the nearest exit

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Continue with this trend!!

I was hungry. So I Czeched the fridge. ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฟ Nothing was there, so I was Russian over to the nearest restaurant. ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ I grabbed some Turkey, but it was layered in Greece. I Haiti ting food that isnโ€™t Swedened. ๐Ÿ‡น๐Ÿ‡ณ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ช I felt like I could Italy food in my house. ๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡น

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebitlifelover
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 14 2020
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The fact that we're still minting the penny even though it costs nearly twice as much as it's worth makes no cents.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 109
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BpRue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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I was with my friend Philip and we had a lot of waste we needed to dispose of.

"Where's the nearest landfill?" I asked.

"There's land everywhere," he replied.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y2KoNo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently youโ€™re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say โ€œget a load of this guyโ€ every time someone walks in.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 141
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmarkie_mark
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Y2KoNo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Very fishy

Reporter goes to a brand new fish farm. The owner is showing her around. "These are our salmon, our trout are over there..." As the owner is speaking, reporter trips & her billfold falls into the nearest tank. It floats away, carried by the artificial current.

Reporter asks if the owner has a pool skimmer or something. Owner proudly says "No need, just watch - these fish are smart!"

Reporter watches as her billfold pops above the surface on the nose of a fish. The wallet is then tossed up, and another catches it.

This goes on until the last fish tosses the lost leather case into the reporter's hands. "That's amazing," she says.

Owner grins & says "Yep! We're proud of our carp-to-carp walleting!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/earthwulf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, โ€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.โ€

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, โ€œLetโ€™s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.โ€

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didnโ€™t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didnโ€™t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, โ€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!โ€

Pork Chop replied, โ€œNo way Josรฉ! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!โ€

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, โ€œThen Iโ€™ll huff, and Iโ€™ll puff, and Iโ€™ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!โ€

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scottโ€™s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hamboneโ€™s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RageMonster17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerโ€™s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnโ€™t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnโ€™t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 64
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Doty152
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Dad joked(?) the old guy at work this morning

I do maintenance on overnights at a department store. We're able to get away with quite a lot of joking around thankfully so it really isn't all that bad

Anyways, it's about 6 or 6:30 in the morning. The daytime employees are just making their way in for the day. Suddenly, I'm paged over the system by the old guy I work with on maintenance

"MetalHeadCrow, where are you?"

I love working with the old guy. He's a great worker and we really get along good. So, I run to the nearest phone, pick it up, and page for the whole store to hear:

"I'm right here, where are you?"

I was happy with myself

EDIT: I'm using my iPod to post so not sure how this will look. Also added a few words

๐Ÿ‘︎ 797
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MetalHeadCrow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
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my manager got me with a dad joke, so i retaliated with another

Me: "where is the nearest Argos?" Man.: "i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship"

Me: "what? Tall ship?" Man.: "yeah! Well it is a pirates favourite shop!!"

head hits desk

Man.: smirking to himself "why do you need one anyway?" Me: slowly raises head smiling "they're doing a really great sail!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dexmonster92
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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We saw a group of turtles on the highway...

Me: "I wonder where they are going."

Him: "They're probably heading to the nearest Shell station."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 466
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Burbada
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2015
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My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny)

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 26
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vance524
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 117
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

ยฏ_(ใƒ„)_/ยฏ

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Let me tell you a story about making wise choices...

In high school my very best friend and I snuck out and went looking for fun. We were really fired up and he hurried ahead and ran straight into the nearest bar. Luckily, I had the good sense to duck.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LeopoldLoeb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Caught in some kitchen cleanup

I work pizza delivery and late on Sunday night I was counting out my money. I was deep in concentration and when I finally turned around I found that the kitchen workers were cleaning out the walk-in cooler and they had stacked box after box of cheese nearly surrounding me. I turned to the nearest worker and said, "Hey, I'm really getting cheesed here!"

She snorted. I chuckled for the next hour, and on and off for the next few days.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/quackdamnyou
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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A new spin on an old classic

We are remodeling the bathroom due to mold, and long story short Nicholas wasn't allowed in his room. While in the front room he moaned as loudly as he could "I'm booooooooooooooreeeeed"; I picked up the nearest 2x4, stuck it out the door and said "Hi board, I'm plank".

I got two chuckles from the contracter and my stepdad, and an "ungh" from Nicholas.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/d_wootang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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How to recognise pirates - a rough guide

A sailor and his buddies are walking down the streets, looking for the nearest pub. A guard takes one look at their arms and immediately arrests them for piracy. He could see their coarse hairs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spritefamiliar
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar. Now get in the car. We're late.

Also, instead of saying "yes" or "no", my dad would say "Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?" and "Does a snake have armpits?"

If I was standing in between him and the nearest Bruins game, I'd hear: "Hey Kleeb, you're a better door than a window, even though you're a pain."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kleeb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Never shopping with dad again...

In department store in section with a bunch of pasta strainers

Attractive young female clerk walks up

Clerk: "Are you finding everything alright?"

Dad gets smirk on face and picks up nearest strainer

Dad: "Well I was looking for your bowls, but all of these have holes in them"

I walk away in shame

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Foreskin_Analogies
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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A coworker just asked me "Why is it so bright outside?"

I replied "because we're 93 million miles from the nearest star."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Chronoblivion
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2016
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 131
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/b0rs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BlankPhotos
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sburgel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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