Darth Vader found his new wife near the stairs...

Her name is Ellie Vader

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📅︎ May 04 2021
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I caught a cold near the carousel

I heard there was something going around.

👍︎ 13
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👤︎ u/pathrado
📅︎ May 03 2021
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Going to a rock concert is a near-deaf experience
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📅︎ Apr 19 2021
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The sandwich place near me doesn't have any employees

Apparently they are all subcontractors

👍︎ 6
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👤︎ u/Sassaphras
📅︎ May 08 2021
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I went in to get a checkup for severe pain near my belly and the doctor said "You have acute appendicitis". And I said..

Thanks, but I was looking for a treatment, not a compliment.

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📅︎ Apr 22 2021
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Coming soon to a theater near you
👍︎ 8k
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📅︎ Oct 26 2020
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Every morning, my neighbour gets on his tractor and starts yelling “The end is near!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

👍︎ 24
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📅︎ Apr 09 2021
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I heard they opened a new restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest

Careful though, the steaks are high

👍︎ 18
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📅︎ Mar 17 2021
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My brother sees me near our tent, putting his E-reader on a pile of sticks.

He yells: "What the hell are you doing, Some_Dumb_Dude?!"

I say: "What's with the tone? You have to use Kindle to make a fire, Right?

'Ba dum tss'

He just sighs. "I hate you."

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📅︎ Apr 08 2021
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Got a new job as a priest in a stable near Johannesburg...

I bless the reins down in Africa...

👍︎ 12
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📅︎ Apr 01 2021
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The inventor of the crossword puzzle lives near me...

He's 3 streets across and 2 down.

👍︎ 7
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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Mar 15 2021
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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

👍︎ 133
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📅︎ Dec 23 2020
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There's a caterpillar near the flower
👍︎ 23
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👤︎ u/asyazzz
📅︎ Dec 29 2020
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Can someone near Houston send pics of where they walked in the snow?

I want to see the fresh prints of Bellaire.

👍︎ 11
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📅︎ Feb 19 2021
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Remake of Alien coming to cinemas near you!
👍︎ 13
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📅︎ Jan 15 2021
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My brother ran up to photograph a cow near a cliff

He said it was 'ledge and dairy.'

👍︎ 13
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👤︎ u/kdlaz
📅︎ Feb 16 2021
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Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me

I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.

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📅︎ Feb 05 2021
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Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.

Remains to be seen

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📅︎ Feb 18 2021
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The graveyard near my town is really crowded...

People are just dying to get in

👍︎ 7
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👤︎ u/NidalFlame
📅︎ Jan 07 2021
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They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.

They must have destroyed my old factory senses.

👍︎ 17
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👤︎ u/Bbew_Mot
📅︎ Jan 28 2021
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Church near my house
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📅︎ Nov 25 2020
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A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house

He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.

The man replied: "that's grave news!"

👍︎ 3
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👤︎ u/Kvohlu
📅︎ Feb 06 2021
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With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

👍︎ 38
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👤︎ u/IranRPCV
📅︎ Nov 18 2020
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I won't let my daughter near ducks...

Due to their fowl language

👍︎ 8
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📅︎ Dec 31 2020
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The Italian chef that lived near me pasta way :'(
👍︎ 9
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👤︎ u/n00b90
📅︎ Nov 03 2020
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My dad: don't go near those trees

Me: why

My dad: they're shady

👍︎ 29
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👤︎ u/BillyPert
📅︎ Nov 17 2020
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I'll never walk down the hall, outside the church, near the courtyard...

I'm cloisterphobic

👍︎ 2
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👤︎ u/uneeq33
📅︎ Jan 11 2021
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Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...

I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”

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📅︎ Jan 05 2021
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A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"

The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"

👍︎ 8
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👤︎ u/Altus-
📅︎ Dec 22 2020
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Did you know that all bees are born near the ocean?

They’re bay bees.

👍︎ 10
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📅︎ Nov 28 2020
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Coming soon to a theater near you
👍︎ 16
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📅︎ Oct 26 2020
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The store near me is having a sale on batteries.

If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.

👍︎ 7k
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📅︎ Dec 21 2019
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Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are....

....working around the clock?

👍︎ 12
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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Nov 15 2020
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Damn near had a threesome last night

Just needed two more people

👍︎ 6
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📅︎ Sep 07 2020
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Im near sighted and tone deaf

I can’t C sharp, but I am the dad of A minor, That boy is nothing but treble.

👍︎ 31
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👤︎ u/Zeffer90
📅︎ Jul 18 2020
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Why do seagulls live near the sea?

If they lived by the bay, they'd be baygulls

👍︎ 7
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👤︎ u/zdrfanta17
📅︎ Aug 23 2020
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The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

👍︎ 7k
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📅︎ Apr 01 2019
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I wanted to ride horses so I went to a ranch near me.

When I asked if they have riding lessons they said neigh.

👍︎ 4
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👤︎ u/xSeVinx
📅︎ Sep 06 2020
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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

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📅︎ Mar 16 2020
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I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word

Now that's what I call structural integrity

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📅︎ Jun 18 2020
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Did you hear about the near sighted construction worker who lost his glasses?

He really fell into his work.

👍︎ 2
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👤︎ u/lvrcerosis
📅︎ Aug 26 2020
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"Watch out dad, that sprinkler is going to hit the sidewalk near you!"

"Don't worry buddy, it just mist me."

👍︎ 24
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👤︎ u/aaanold
📅︎ May 28 2020
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I'm proud of this business near my work
👍︎ 3k
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📅︎ Jun 25 2018
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Why was the near sighted dolphin so sad?

He couldn’t see a porpoise ahead of him.

👍︎ 6
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👤︎ u/lvrcerosis
📅︎ Jun 22 2020
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Yesterday, I had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

👍︎ 20
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📅︎ Nov 29 2020
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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

👍︎ 14k
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📅︎ Aug 29 2018
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