I heard someone was planning a murder

I was worried until I found out he was a Crow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dandy_wizard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Murder is not a joke, Jim!
πŸ‘︎ 767
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πŸ‘€︎ u/findmebatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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A murder investigation or a murder investigating?
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capndreww
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Mona Lisa was once accused of murder....

Turns out, she was framed.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I asked a friend for one reason I shouldn't murder my boss.

His answer was simple. There is no Netflix in prison.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

πŸ‘︎ 507
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriezaAndHoushi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Murders being conducted all over this block
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanjirahope
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?

Because i wanted tequila.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hengeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What do you call appetizers at a murder mystery party?

Murd'Oeurves

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quinoabrogle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I witnessed a murder today

But as I got closer it flew away

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dudeness77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Attempted Murder
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrodanGnaskar2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Margaret Attwood title her latest murder mystery novel, about an Egyptian serial killer who kept drowning people?

The Nile-ist

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttengine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Did you hear about the murder in the clown mafia?

The police are saying it was an inside joke.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/101001010110101
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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How did the pasta get away with murder?

The prosecution had gnocci witnesses

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bshafs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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What did the train conductor use to murder his ex-wife?

Investigators aren't sure yet, but they discovered he had a loco motive.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftClickMadness
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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If a group of crows is called a murder of crows...

does that mean 2 or 3 would be an attempted murder?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchroederActual
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Who decided to call them β€œmurder hornets”

and not β€œbuzzkills”?

πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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We then asked a artist about the murder:

β€œI art to be feeling bad” they said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingdragon2430
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I witnessed a murder today

I only counted 2 crows though, so I guess it was really an attempted murder

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samuelmercanti
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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A serial killer murders people by suffocating them with pig intestines

His media name is Wurst Case Scenario

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttengine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A fish goes to court for murder

The fish is found β€œgill”ty

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/26SobbingHorses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders?

A crowbar.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katonce
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Today in the paper I saw that there was a murder in my neighbourhood.

Now that is quite the issue

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/classy1231
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.

It was a briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingwang100
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a murder mystery jigsaw.

I'm still trying to piece it together.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...

it was an ironclad alibi!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/troy_lc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?

A drive bike shooting

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Two police officers were investigating a murder scene.

They stumble upon a humanoid cement figure.

Officer 1: "Sir, we've found all the evidence we need to prove that this is the murderer's house."

Officer 2: "Why would anyone believe that this is evidence?"

Officer 1: "It's concrete."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of crows is called a murder, but what do you call a group of really loud crows?

A caw-CAW-phony.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeabaSquad
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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How do you get a murder of crows to stick together?

Vel-crow

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the murder hornets?

They were told to buzz off.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A tempted murder
πŸ‘︎ 529
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dieforpie2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The murder in the botanical garden had a very obvious suspect

Turns out the evidence was planted

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haligaliman
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?

Heartless

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lego_luke
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GenuinePenguin12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m creating a new show about a leatherworker that goes crazy and murders his relatives

It’s called Awl in the Family

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjloveskp2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the skeleton go through with the murder?

It didn’t have the heart to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 883
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the murder hornets?

They were told to buzz off!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naimz27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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