They all ways told me I couldn't make a joke about tape measurers

They told me I'd never measure up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hot-hitler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?

(Gal)lons

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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How do you measure a king’s foot?

with a ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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How do potatoes measure their speed?

The spudometer, of course.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Isntitabouttime69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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My dad always told me to "Measure twice, cut once"...

One day he measured once but cut twice and lost his job as a Rabbi.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonicSquid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.

Apparently something was afoot.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kesavadh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Why can't electronics hobbyists measure voltage?

They're only ammeters.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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How do you measure the power of love?

In jewels It's an engineering joke

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall!

Terrible king, but made a great ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?

Mass confusion.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mighty_Platypus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with

An our-glass

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunchieMAG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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It means a lot
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheZenNoob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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How do elves measure their height?

In Santa-meters!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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How do farmers measure land?

They use protractors.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Know why they use knots instead of miles in the ocean?

Because they've got to keep the ocean tide.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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Why are snakes measured in inches?

Because they don't have any feet

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I can't believe I was able to trade a piece of fruit for a measuring device.

(Banana for scale)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?

Not Yeti.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What is the cannibal carpenter’s favorite measurement?

8 feet

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SholcCTR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k

> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure Firefox's output?

With a Mozilloscope

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My tape measure fell asleep

I found it very inch-resting

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vwraider
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?

With its scarecard!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ’€
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahydron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure the speed of joy?...

In smiles per hour!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway2032015
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is milk measured in quarts instead of in feet?

Because it lactose.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.

He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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My wife asked me why I insist on measuring our bookshelf when I get home from a night of drinking.

How else am I going to keep my stories straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimusJosh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?

Sheet tons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lawnboy18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caruano95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I got thrown out of the park for measuring the squirrels

I guess they didn't want me critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeMP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s the lighter fluid
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?

Because they have no feet!

(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherlocked776
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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How do you measure shoes?

By the foot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kabukimansanjoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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How do communist measure time?

In ours.

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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What’s a monk’s favorite unit of measurement?

Ohms

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Claw198
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 940
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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