They all ways told me I couldn't make a joke about tape measurers
They told me I'd never measure up
What unit of measure do pirates use?
My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?
How do you measure a king’s foot?
How do potatoes measure their speed?
The spudometer, of course.
My dad always told me to "Measure twice, cut once"...
One day he measured once but cut twice and lost his job as a Rabbi.
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
How do you measure the heaviness of a 2.4 million Scoville chilli pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Why can't electronics hobbyists measure voltage?
How do you measure the power of love?
In jewels
It's an engineering joke
There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall!
Terrible king, but made a great ruler.
What would happen if America switched from using pounds to kilograms as a unit a measure?
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
How do elves measure their height?
How do farmers measure land?
Know why they use knots instead of miles in the ocean?
Because they've got to keep the ocean tide.
Why are snakes measured in inches?
Because they don't have any feet
I can't believe I was able to trade a piece of fruit for a measuring device.
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
What is the cannibal carpenter’s favorite measurement?
Driving the neighborhood, I told my son we would use the odometer to measure out our Turkey Trot 5k
> Son: It's gonna take a lot of yard sticks.
How do you measure Firefox's output?
My tape measure fell asleep
I found it very inch-resting
How did the ghost measure all its Halloween activities?
As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.
Does anyone know how I can get it back?
How do you measure the speed of joy?...
Why is milk measured in quarts instead of in feet?
Pope decides on new measures to keep Cardinals on their toes.
He raised the Vatican urinals by 4 inches.
My wife asked me why I insist on measuring our bookshelf when I get home from a night of drinking.
How else am I going to keep my stories straight.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?
They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh your linens?
I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
I got thrown out of the park for measuring the squirrels
I guess they didn't want me critter sizing.
Why should you always measure a snake in inches?
Because they have no feet!
(Courtesy of Snake Discovery on YouTube)
How do you measure shoes?
How do communist measure time?
What’s a monk’s favorite unit of measurement?
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now...
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
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