Masturbate Puns

A weedwacker.

Beef Strokin-off

Jerkins

I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.

I told him he needed to get help.

Things had obviously gotten out of hand.

a Tearjerker

It didn't feel right.

Beef Stoganoff

Are you a tearjerker?

A stroke of genius.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

and the remaining 10% are liars.

Seems like a vas improvement so far.

The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement?

Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery? Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station.

My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, "Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra," for the sake of replying, "A vas, matey!"

Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore. Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, "why did I marry you" groan that we all love.

I'm sorry

sorry, poor punctuation.

i’m giving up! masturbating for an entire month.

"I'm over here dad." He replied.

But I'm beating it

I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

The pleasure was all mine.

But I finally beat it.

He replies " You're whale cum!"

I'd come first

The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you!"

Or are we still just washing our hands?

On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

A woman calls her husband's doctor.  "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

Beef strokinoff

Didn't see that one coming

I guess the pervert thinks of them as sex cymbals.

...he was having a stroke

His addiction got out of hand

Depending on the circumstances

I mean, on one hand it feels good....

Beef strokin-off

Beef stroganoff

Me: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

Beef Stroken-off (Stroganoff)

Beef Stroganoff

Beef stroganoff!