Why did the dad kneel on the Christmas lights?

He wanted to put up neon lights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Kneel before him.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisedalord1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Push-ups should be renamed to "kneel arm-strong"
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Why do some people kneel when they pray?

It’s because they’re trying to save their soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshiau
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
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(At bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What's The Difference Between A Dirty Bus Stop And A Lobster With Breast Implants?

One is a crusty bus station while the other is a busty crustacean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nazykitten
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Nil Armstrong surrendered

Now his name is Kneel Armstrong

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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How did the famous musician propose to his wife?

With a kneel diamond.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13toycar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Bacon Tree

2 guys are walking through the desert completely starving. The first guy sees a bacon tree and takes off running towards it screaming, "We're saved, it's a bacon tree!" All the sudden he's under fire from all directions. He's completely riddled with bullets. The second guy catches up and kneels down beside him. With his last breath he says, "It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a hambush."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tetrapsy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I bet my dad that in one simple move he wouldn't be my biological father anymore.

He didn't believe me, so I told him to kneel down while I stood on top of him.

"See!" I said

"Um... Sorry, but I'm still your dad", he replied

"Yeah, but now you're my step dad"

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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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I should start a landscaping business. I'll call it "General Sod"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcox0001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Got my wife while walking the dogs.

We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:

Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."

Wife:"How can you tell?"

Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"

Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind

Edit:Grammar, guh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinBritches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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My favourite memory of grandad

I was visiting as a kid, and saw a bumblebee for the first time (which we didn't have where I grew up - just smaller wild bees and honeybees). When I remarked on how enormous the bees were here, grandad kneeled down with a twinkle in his eye and whispered:

"You should see the size of the rabbits!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plumber_craic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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Italian Dad

I visited my girlfriend in Italy, her dad didn't speak much english and I didn't speak much Italian. He's a really big Italian guy, and everytime we ate, my girlfriend would always have a really healthy meal. He would always get up from the table and say "my daughter is TOP model, top model" while spinning around and doing the most girly little dance.

Also everytime money was brought into conversation (he's considerably frugal) he would start kneeling hypothetically and praising the jew god, claiming he was of jewish descent.

Lol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmaBender
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Calling Hours and Acid

My dad and I were in the receiving line at the calling hours for a friend of mine. Grateful Dead and all things related, including LSD, were at the core of the friendship between my dad and my friend. As my dad reaches the last family member and attempts to kneel at his casket, his foot catches the upturned corner of the carpet. My dad whispers to me, "Trippin' with Jared one last time!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMGBeckyLook
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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One of the best comments my Dad's ever made

So one day, I was kneeling in my living room looking for a pair of socks in a pile of clean laundry. I sort of had my head hunched down and my arms stretched out in front of me.

My Dad walks in to the room and says: "Brain13, I think Mecca is the other way."

This was like 3 or 4 years ago now, but it still cracks me up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brain13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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A morning walk...

A man is going for a walk one morning, and passes a cemetery. He sees a lady kneeling down by a gravestone. He calls out, "Morning!" to the lady.

The lady stands up and says, "Nope, just a gardner. Pulling Weeds."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ctardi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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At my boss's funeral, kneeling down and whispering slowly.

Who's thinking out of box now Kevin?

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbag420-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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