What did the banana say to the vibrator?

β€œWhy are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mike561991
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I think the guy who invented vibrators was schizophrenic.

The voices told him that if he builds it, they will come.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Ever buy a vibrator

Just to find out it doesn't rate your vibes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/udforreal
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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I recently bought a vibrator

Figured I'd shake things up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minamo99
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Got the girls talking about a vibrator in the break room

She was telling a story about how her luggage got stopped on its way to Europe because her vibrator that had been acting up turned on in her suitcase.

Halfway out the door, I peeked back in and asked.."oh, was it giving you a hard time?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goaskalice3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
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My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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She got what I wanted.

My wife wanted to introduce a Vibrator into our relationship. I bought a vintage Harley-Davidson...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileyc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...

It was a soundboard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Ladies and gentlemen, a classic pun right here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nefariousmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Why is it painful when you're hit with a vibrating object?

Because it Hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundan_chariar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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I made a little change to my shaker bottle. imgur.com/PLvGryZ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nobletwoo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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What does a phone say when it's cold?

Nothing, it just vibrates like brrrrr...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bl3kBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...

... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/large__father
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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What's the best song to play during an earthquake?

Good Vibrations

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IASIPFL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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One of my employees was having problems with his vehicle's​ audio system.

Him: "My bass is so loud, it's vibrating my negative terminal off of the battery."

Me: "So in other words, the bass is giving you treble?"

He's a dad too so, he laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RewrittenSol
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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The running jokes..

For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.

(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."

It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.

Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?

Depends.."

The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."

There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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My friends dad is more "hip" than we thought

Friend: I can't find my phone and it's on vibrate!

Dad: Well you know what they say right?

Friend: No, what?

Dad: If you liked it then you should've put a ring in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac-Knight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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My first dad joke!

So I was laying in bed feeding my 2 week old son. My dog was leaning against me and started itching a scratch, causing my son and I to vibrate. In other words, my son had his first milkshake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/newyearnewpoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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So I was at a choir performance with my GF and her family...

...when GF's dad turns to us and says, "remember to turn your phones on stun."

GF replies with, "actually, you should put it on airplane mode, it'll keep it from getting any messages and vibrating."

To this, dad replies, "nah, I don't like that mode; it makes my ears pop."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatShoe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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Every time.

phone vibrates loudly

Dad: "Oh, pardon me."

Then laughs to himself for about a minute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fruzz92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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My 8th grade English teacher got me.

My 8th grade English teacher was a huge dad-joker, even though he was like 25 at the time (this was 3 years ago)

He was playing at his desk with a ton of rubber bands, making them taut then flicking them to hear their vibration. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Creating the first song to my new band, we call ourselves the Rubber Band."

Not the best, but I certainly groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howley7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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Lying in bed with my girl

All romantic, very lovely, stealing kisses here and there.

Her cell phone is just within arm's reach, so I pause the making out and gently place the phone on her forehead, and I whisper…

"Headphones."

And then she vibrate-laughed for like ten minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/profound_whatever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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Dadjoked my Girlfriend and Brother Back to Back. My Dad Approved.

So I'm out to dinner with my girlfriend and my family. We're waiting by the outdoor bar with a pager for when our table is ready. After a while of waiting, the following happens:

Girlfriend: Who has the... thingy?" (referring to the pager).

Me: "I have a thingy!"

Brother: Chuckles "No, the thingy... The one that vibrates."

Me: "Wait, yours vibrates?!"

My dad and I started laughing pretty hard at this point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boothroyd917
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zangywastaken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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My Dad the Electrician

My dad, an electrician, just changed a lightbulb. The new bulb lit up and started humming. "Do you know why it's humming?" he asked. I was thinking it had to do with electrical current causing something to vibrate, but before I could answer, dad interjects "Because it doesn't know the words!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olszak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2014
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What did the banana say to the vibrator..?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h_cordeiro8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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