I helped my uncle Jack off his horse.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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When golfers jack off do they still try for the fewest strokes?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slento
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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What do you call it when two guys named Jack are about to fight?

A Jack off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBdahIslandman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Work for me lately has been mostly busting up concrete and hanging sheetrock

So I spend a lot of time jacking around or screwing off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/remodelguy110
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Dadbrother

Introducing uncle jokes! Anything about an uncle, having a joke.

For example, capitilization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

This is not official but i wanted to see what r/dadjokes would make of it, if you have any uncle jokes, please comment them and maybe post them on this sub.

Edit: just realized theres a real sub fro this but this is r/dadjokes version of it i guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spectatortotweeb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwiikberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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The bible says...

to love one another as you love yourself, but you can't exactly go around jacking people off so I guess the bible is wrong!

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ummagumma26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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Good one from my uncle tonight

Playing poker at the family Christmas gathering. My brother has two Jacks showing, gets beat by three tens;

Uncle: Wow (nephew), you were really close to winning that hand.

My Brother: How so?

Uncle: You're a jack off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/v1p3rsbite
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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A regular brought her new puppy into work today.

Me: What's his name?

Her: His name is Jackson, I chose it because his dads name is Jack.

I just walk off laughing, It was great.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickladbro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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And they kept rolling...

I was grabbing dinner with a bud and we were talking about me heading to his place to do car work - I don't know how to change my oil nor have the space so I'm doing it at my buds place. The following conversation ensues after we verify plans to change my oil:

Bud: Oh, hey, do you know how to rotate your tires properly?

Me: I know you have to take them off then switch positions.

Bud: No, you jack the car up then spin them a bit!

Guffaws were had.

sidebar, to properly rotate tires, front tires go on opposite back tires and back tires go straight forward Front left goes back right, back right goes front right, etc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dooky710
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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So this just happened...

So this just happened...

Company owner: So, my buddy who is a pastor told me that the other day when he mowed his lawn he saw his gay neighbor standing outside jacking off into his (neighbor's) pool.

Me: That's ok, they're semen!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightshadeOkla
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
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This one is a doozy - Conversation between my dad and his uncle with Parkinson's Disease.

One summer my dad who was a jack of all trades construction worker type, my cousin that's an electrician and my dad's uncle who had Parkinson's disease were all working on an electrical project at my Uncles house. Replacing a power meter is pretty dangerous if the power is not shut off and if you touch the wrong thing, it could very easily kill you.

So here these three men are. My electrician cousin says "Okay, don't friggin touch me. I gotta slide this washer on here and if I touch the sides, I'll fry." So as he's doing this, he's shaking because he's nervous. Eventually he stops to take a breather and my uncle says "Give me that thing." To which my dad responds "Are you crazy? This is not a job for Parkinson's"

My uncle gets kinda bummed and says something about not being able to do anything anymore and my dad tries to cheer him up by saying "Oh come on, there are plenty jobs you can have, Rick".

My uncle says "Yea, like what?"

My dad responds "I dunno... Sifting."

My uncle laughed harder than I had seen him laugh in a long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/soupnrc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Christmas Dad Joke

Long story short, my dad bought a used truck and worked over every crevice to make sure he wasn't getting a lemon. Well he checked everywhere except the emergency car jack holder: the jack was gone.

So he asks for a jack for Christmas. Being a perfect son, I blew him off and promptly forgot about the whole deal until today, Christmas Day. I apologized and told him, "hey dad, don't worry, I'll get you a car jack later". He looked me dead in the eye and said, "John, why the hell would I want my car jacked?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllenFromMars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2014
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Dad-Joke @ Work Today---I am so freaking proud of myself.

So I do tech support type stuff for a local company and they were having an issue with the phone, and we resolved that the problem was not the phone, nor the wire. We next tested the phone jack....sure enough, there's the problem. I could hardly contain myself when I told the manager that I found the problem.

"What is it?", he asked.

"It looks like you're one jack off!"

Cracked me up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtravisrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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What is a bisexual?

A jack off all trades.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuchito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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