A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters
all they had was 15,809 matches
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found...
She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”
The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
I went to the dentist the other day. He took one look at my teeth and said he needed to do an impression.
To be honest, his Sinatra wasn't that bad.
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
What does that cloud look like to you, son?
It looks like rain to me.
A friend forced me to look at a picture of mount Rushmore before it was carved.
Just looks like they’re hounding the bitch to me 😂
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
I was driving with my daughter when she suddenly pointed her finger to an orange sign and said “Look Daddy, Road Works Ahead!”
I said “I sure hope it works, or we’ll have to take a longer route!”
So my wife and I were singing the song “The farmer in the dell” to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks “What’s a dell?”
To which I responded: a British pop singer
Then came the eye roll
What does a blind person take to look stronger?
It's titled "Cheetah After Lunch", but it looks like a flamin' hot cheetah to me
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
The sun is hot, and bright... I look up to the sun. :)
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
What you you call a tree when it says to you, "Hey, you look good today!"?
My SO looks to much better with glasses
Or with contacts actually; it's like he can't see without them or something.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest. After one wins, the other looks at him and says
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
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