I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy
They're going with either impeachment or impairment.
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
I must admit that I married your mum for her looks...
But not the one’s she’s been giving me lately
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I made a documentary film about people who look for deals at thrift stores.
It's called Goodwill Hunting.
Santa's adding another reindeer for a new look this year.
Always look out for number 1...
Especially when eating snow.
Will you hurt your eyes if you look at the stars for too long?
This is a Sirius question.
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
Why did Karen look for Treebeard?
She wanted to speak with the management of Isengard.
If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!
My wife: for 7 months pregnant my belly looks small
Me, an intellectual: Yeah! Not as apparent.
P.S. Happened for real. She laughed and playfully hit me for pulling such a sneaky on her.
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
Look out for cold sores when sharing candy this Valentine's day...
Mine went from Mounds of Joy to Herpes Kisses.
Sent my husband for a bandaid for my daughter’s toe. She asked what was on it as I put it on her, and I said “it looks like Olaf”, to which my husband replied...
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
For the past few weekends my wife has done nothing but drag me around to look at expensive new countertops
I'm tired of being taken for granite
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
My cat just ate a bunch of cheese. Now he's heading to the basement to look for mice
Searching for coffee? Just look down.
Chances are it'll be ground.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
What do you look for when hiring a waiter?
Someone who can bring a lot to the table.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says
For all the Australian’s convenience so they can see the top meme without having to look upside down.
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
Why did the knight send his cavalry of 44 to look for their missing sentry?
This man goes on holiday for a week and leaves his brother to look after his cat.
He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back.
Anyway, how's our mother doing?"
His brother says:
"She's on the roof, bro"
MOM: Look at all this work! I can't believe I have to be an adult for the rest of my life!
DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
What you look for in a woman?
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.
But I’m just grasping at straws here.
Whenever I feel ill, I look for a cure
Look what my sister left for me
Looks like we’re going out for some fine diming tonight!
When watching "Wonder Woman" I tell my kids to look carefully in the background of the Paris scene for an Easter egg. "What are we looking for?", they ask.
What did they call the movie where Matt Damon looks for thrift store treasures?
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....
I was going to look for my watch, but I just couldn't find the time.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver?
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