As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids' suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
π︎ 156
π
︎ Nov 09 2018
Remember when loading the dishwasher meant getting the wife drunk?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 02 2019
On my first day as undertaker, I managed to drop the coffin as I was loading it onto the car.
My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
My dad tried to prank me by loading the furnace with regular rocks that were painted black.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 10 2018
Had a friend loading up those large poster-sized post-it notes for a meeting...
Told him he should stick with it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 15 2018
π︎ 72
π
︎ Feb 15 2015
I just finished loading the dishwasher.
Me: Welp, should we run it?
Wife: We can, but I don't think the leash is big enough.
Got a huge laugh out of me.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 04 2015
"Progressives" are just apologists for Playstation 2 loading screens.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 19 2017
I keep loading paper into my printer, but it keeps telling me it "just can't get enough."
I think it's stuck in Depeche Mode.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 14 2017
The bases were loaded
π︎ 128
π
︎ May 03 2021
After a bad diy project, a load of books fell on my head.
I have only my shelf to blame.
π︎ 44
π
︎ May 11 2021
A friend gave me a load of cooking ingredients but no recipe.
A friend gave me a load of cooking ingredients but no recipe.
I thought "I don't know what to make of this"
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 17 2021
My little brother just came up with this: Why was the fully loaded hot dog cold?
Because it was a chili dog.
π︎ 64
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
A good clean joke for you.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 21 2021
I got a load of stuff from the supermarket today,
The cashier asked if I wanna box for it. I had to tell him wrestling was more my sport.
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 07 2021
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasantβs head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Dukeβs son and knocked him off the battle field.
Yeah, apparently it was the first ever serf face to heir missile.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
A farmer attempted to tow a load of manure down the interstate at 5 pm. Of course, it caused a crash and traffic jam...
I can't believe he tried to pull this shit!
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins
I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
What do you call an Arabic country that has loads of sheep and experiences very wet weather?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
Did you hear about the party held for devices used to weigh tractor trailers' loads?
It was a large scale celebration.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
I found a load of batteries washed up on the beach.
I was collecting C Cells on the sea shore.
π︎ 91
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
When the White Death loaded his rifle...
The Russians were Finnished
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Did you hear that rumor about butter?
Well, Iβm not going to spread it
π︎ 39
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
My friends love scaring the shit out of me.
With friends like that, who needs enemas?
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 21 2021
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.
He only went for a gander
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Driving down the highway with my son
And we were passed by a large semi hauling a load of cattle. I pointed to it and remarked "Well, if that's not fast food, I don't know what is..."
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 27 2021
A lorry load of wigs has been stolen
Police are combing the area
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
This load bearing tree.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Graveyards have loads of security...
People are dying to get in!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
A two-star officer was so vain about how good he looked in the updated uniform...
...he ordered all flare guns to be loaded with an action figure in his likeness. That's right:
the Very model of a modern major general.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 16 2021
Proud Dad Moment
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said βI guess theyβre going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.β π
Never been prouder of my daughter. π
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Gabe had a heavy load this semester
Math, physics, comp sci. The only easy class was "The American Century." Open book midterm and final, so he wasn't going to do any of the reading all semester.
βItβs a huge waste of time, Dad,β he laughed when I objected. βIβm not learning a damn thing in the class.β
βWell, then youβre just going to have to take that class over again,β I snapped at him.
βWhat are you talking about?β he yelped.
βYou know why, Gabe,β I said. βThose who donβt learn from history are condemned to repeat it.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
I told my ex-wife she should become a boat captain...
She's so good at dealing with loads of semen
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 20 2021
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once Upon A Time....
A guy asked a girl to marry him.
She said, "No"
And the guy lived happily ever after, fishing, hunting, riding motorcycles, skiing, gambling, had loads of money in the bank, played a lot of golf, and left the seat up.
THE END.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 21 2021
A truck ahead of me spilled its load of cabbage all over the highway...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked βcould you guys load the dishwasher please?β
So my dad brought her a glass of wine.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
I just gave a sick burn to a load of hedges shaped into a pattern.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
My friend dumped a five hundred pound load of pig intestines on his boss's desk in protest...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
Had to remove a load of German names and stuff from my pre-owned iPhone..
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Dec 11 2018
Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly ?
I have got loads of back issues.
π︎ 120
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
So I'm a truck driver...
Whenever I have to sign for paperwork when picking up a load, occasionally I am asked to sign and date the bills. Whenever I'm asked to sign and date them I say "I can't date these, I'm married!"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
Gonna go load this bowl....
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 18 2020
"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 13 2020
So there was this zookeeper...
(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)
Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.
The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.
On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.
The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...
"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.
"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"
Badum tssss! Β―_(γ)_/Β―
Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
At the company picnic, my co-worker said he had some juicy gossip. He loaded up his plate but tripped on the way to my table...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
I Just opened a card and a load of rice fell out the envelope
Itβs was from my uncle Ben
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
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