I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
It’s my jingle bell rock.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?
I inherited my dad's collection of shallow flat receptacles with a raised edge, used for carrying, holding, or displaying articles.
Grocery stores are now carrying gluten-free beef.
It's made from cattle that have Silly Yaks' disease.
Im gonna tell my kids that the Titanic was carrying a lot of mayonnaise
And that it sunk on the 5th of May which is why we commemorate the Sinko de Mayo
The police asked me why i was carrying so many pillows
I told them i was resisting a rest.
Credit to u/tooshiftyforyou
A truck carrying French cheese was in a terrible accident.
There was de brie everywhere!
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because I’m resisting a rest.
Did you know the Hindenburg was carrying a shipment of perfume?
It was carrying several cases of Eau de Humanity.
A ship carrying purple paint ran into a ship carrying brown paint.
The survivors were marooned.
What happens when the vehicle carrying most of the Egyptian gods breaks down?
They have to pull over and wait for Anubis.
I started carrying a gun with me after an attempted robbery a few years ago.
Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.
The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"
A ship carrying a a cargo of yoyo's has sunk.
Drunk driver overturned his van on road carrying snooker equipment.
Police says he is under a-rest and there is cues a mile long.
I saw a guy going around telling people to touch a naked wire he has been carrying with him.
What do you call a woman named Nancy who is carrying a child?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Two Irishmen are sitting outside and a truck carrying turf drives past.
“I’d like to be that rich one day”. Says Billy.
“What, buy new turf?” Asks Shamus.
“No, send my grass away to be mowed”. Replies Billy.
What do you call sodium chloride carrying a gun?
A salt with a deadly weapon.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says:
"I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.
A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture
Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?
Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?"
"I'm a spy"
"A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
I was carrying a bowl of chili from the kitchen and my dog ran in and caused me to drop the entire bowl on top of him, covering him in chili.
People think just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, I should walk around carrying a big old boom box on my shoulder.
But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
So I saw a group of people crossing the street tonight carrying ski stuff the one guy in the front of the group was tasked with carrying the ski poles...
So I guess you can say that they put him in pole position
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashed the other day. The dispatcher asked for the situation
The officer replied: “It’s hard to say”
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my dad carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
A truck carrying Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
There’s a guy in a European airport, and he sees a man carrying a ten foot metal pole. He asks the guy, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
The man says, “Actually, I’m German, but how did you know my name is Walter?”
What do you call a semi driver rocking out to 80s music while carrying a load of grain?
Haulin’ Oats...
🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
I’ll show myself to the door.
-dad
My friend moves on foot with a pompous gait while carrying an airplane wing bracing...
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.
He was the sole survivor.
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
Where do boats carrying wood go?
The lady at the French bakery asked me if I’d like my bread in a carrying receptacle.
What did the frog carrying a hot pot say?
My girlfriend surprised me with a case for carrying arrows that she made!
I quivered when she gave it to me!
A vulture boarded a plane carrying 2 dead raccoons. A stewardess stops him...
And said, "Sorry, everyone is allowed only one piece of carrion."
I was tending to my garden, and carrying a large, opened bag of dirt, when suddenly I heard a big scary noise!
Safe to say, I soiled my plants.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
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